Sunday, April 15, 2007

Too Much, Too Soon, Too Fast

Too Much, Too soon, Too Fast?
Chuck is a very "nice guy" (ut oh, the killer words) who wants to be in a serious relationship. He meets Mary at an event and they really seem to hit it off. Afterwards, they are dancing a little and I see them start to kiss. Ok, so far, so good, right? I hear through the grape vine that they are going out on a date soon. Hmm, maybe this will be another good success story?

A few weeks later, I ran into Mary and asked how things were going with Chuck. "Not so good, actually we don't speak any more." What happened, it looked like you both were really into each other? "He just came on too strong, calling me five times a day, texting me constantly. When I told him I would call him back, he called me back a few hours later, not giving me the chance."

Everybody says they hate the games, and I certainly do not condone them either. However, a little mystery is not a bad thing. Showing all of your cards too soon, and coming on too strong can turn a lot of people off.

What do you think?


Anonymous said...

i agree - i have found from experience that the faster the man comes on to you, the faster they leave. it would definitely put up the red flags to me to try to slow things down, but no matter how you try to slow things down, it ultimately does not seem to work out.

Anonymous said...

I have been seeing a guy for 4 weeks. From the beginning he made comments about things we will be doing in the future. I haven't even decided if I like him enough for there to be a future for us! He has made comments about things he wants to buy for his place to make me feel comfortable there this summer, vacationing together, growing old together, etc. He assumes TOO much. It's a total turn-off. I feel pressured and almost trapped, when I should be just relaxing and enjoying getting to know him. He's a nice guy & fun to be with but he's playing it all wrong. He is scaring me away.

Anonymous said...

I don't even KISS on the 1st date!
34 Female

Anonymous said...

The same thing can be said for women. How many times have I been to singles events and answered personal ads and a woman tells you about her failed ictopic pregnancy and subsequent abortion?! Some things are way to personal to divulge just to demonstrate that you are open and honest.

Anonymous said...

I don't think it's a gender thing but rather a timing thing and how the two people handle their feelings in general. Initially, two people could like each other very much but their timing is off. Whether they talk it out rationally, never call back or stage a big angry scene is unique to each couple.

Timing is always key. Sometimes we aren't at the same stage. Someone who is more cautious may want to take things slower, another may be the last of her friends to be married with the biological clock ticking which could make a person move too fast. I've heard of two people who equally wanted marriage and a child so the fast thing worked for them.

For the most part, I am guessing that coming on too strong and too fast is generally a turn off. It's as if it goes against the natural process of dating and learning about each other. Plus, it's easier to bail if there hasn't been too much time or emotions invested.

Appropriate discomfort sets in if things are rushed and maybe that's a healthy reaction and nature's way of protecting ourselves from making a poor or hasty choice? Whirlwind romance is more likely to inspire anxiety which doesn't exactly fan the flames of love.

I think we need to remind ourselves, however, to be more compassionate towards each other. Things happen in life. People get hurt, they need distance or feel needy and desperate. It's not about the commitment phobic man or the psycho stalker woman. It's just the dating game and sometimes we need to go easier on each other.

Anonymous said...

I met a guy and we hit it off right away. HE bought me flowers on our first date. Did all romantic things any womem would love.Was in general a great guy. We saw each other twice the first week we met. I guess some would say this was too much,to soon but actually we both were so excited to see each other that it did not matter. My head kept telling me to slow down. Well out of the blue he stopped calling and it left me wondering what happened he was so into being with me and all of a sudden he wasn't. I just wish I knew what happened. Is he pulling away because he felt he was going to fast and was afraid of getting hurt.I wonder if men actually think how us women feel when they do this to us and how much it really hurts.

Anonymous said...

I think it's best to approach dating with a "fun" attitude. Go with the flow. Have a good time. Stay positive. Too much too soon seems needy.
From a woman dater

Anonymous said...

wow! too bad.....hey i try not to even LOOK at a lady on the 1st date...... :) ok maybe a few times but anything more than that and
they may think i'd like a 2nd or 3rd date. a 2nd date! good lord......i dont even mention anything regarding the future - not even an hour ahead. ok i may mention what the weather may look like for the next week but even there perhaps they may feel i'm thinking about good weather for both of us at some outdoor cafe or a nice walk. so on 2nd thought i will drop even that.
i guess its ok to shake hands - but just lightly touch the fingers.
as for calling - everything is emailing now. the days of phone numbers exchanged after just a first date are over.its emails until, oh, engagement? :). so its to the keyboards if we want to communicate and possibly be granted a 2nd date.
seriously - am sure i speak for many when we see that email sitting in the box a day or so later; what a great feeling!
however having been on the receiving end of a nice bunch of 'thanks, i had a good time but.....' am actually a bit scared to open these. am not sure if its better to just not hear from them again than get one of THOSE emails. what i do is wait until 6pm after dinner. that way if its bad news i dont mess up dinner. it also allows a few hours until bedtime to take a walk, try and forget it, simmer down, whatever. i dont open these at, say, 1pm so at least i can say most of the day went well. then finally i click on it, turn my head away, then slowly look back at the screen, brace myself and see how many lines. if its just 2 or so thats not good news. then again even a paragraph can be bad news - may need a few sentences to explain about how things will be busy in the next few weeks. maybe skim a few words to see if 'sorry' 'but' or similar is sprinkled around. a smiley face is a great sign!
then i get up, get a drink of water, do a few things, come back, take a deep breath THEN read the whole thing. actually often we have a good idea what the email will say based on how the date went. quite often they make up their minds a few minutes before te date end like in the car as she's ready to leave. a nice number made up their mind after the first few minutes.
anyway most guys are on very thin ice on the 2nd date. i figure 6 is kind of the 'magic number' - 7 is the lucky no. if you made it that far the rest is relatively easy.