Monday, May 15, 2006

Understanding women- part 1

Ladies: These comments are being written from the male perspective. If you agree and or disagree with my comments, please let me know. My goal here is to educate the guys with some real life experiences. If you would like to volunteer to write from the female perspective, please email me at

When I told some friends about what I was planning on doing, they said to just give up now. I had a better chance at winning the lottery than understanding women. Well I have made it a mission to get to the bottom of this mystery. Currently being a single guy, I can relate to some of the comments made by the guys about how frustrating it can be to understand women. Last week I posted the ten most dangerous mistakes men probably make with women (written by David DeAngelo). I downloaded and read his book and also started reading a book called The Nice Guys Guide to getting women (not finished yet). They take two very different approaches on how men should act in order to be successful with women.

It was time for me to do my own primary research so this past weekend I went out to a few bars (Luckys of Bayside, and the Crazy Donkey in Farmingdale), did some observations, and interviewed several women. This will be an ongoing process so I will share with you some of my experiences each week. OH PS, most of the research indicates that meeting women in bars/clubs is not your best option.)

# 1) When you go to the bars "with the girls", are you going to just hang out, or are you open to the possibility of meeting guys.I have heard time and time again that women go to "hang out" and guys go to "pick up".

#2) How should a guy approach you?

#3) How should a guy never approach you?

#4) What is the first thing you notice about a guy physically?

#5) What personality qualities does a man have that attracts you?

#6) How do you let a man know you are interested?#7) If a guy acts uninterested, does it make you want him more? Does it make you say, "Why isn't he interested in me?"(More questions and answers next week)

Karen: A gorgeous brunette, late 20's or early 30's, dressed pretty sexy, showing some skin: Yes, I go out with the girls, but am always open to the possibility of meeting a guy. If a guy wants to talk to me, he should just come over and say something like, I noticed you and think you are very good looking. I wont give a guy time of day if he tries to use a cheesy pick up line. The first thing I notice about a guy is his shoulders, then I look up up and check out his smile. I like a guy who has a bit of an edge, a cocky side. If I am interested in a man, it is all about the eye contact. She didn't comment on #7.Note: Some of the things I have read say the approach Karen described is the worst thing to do. They get that constantly, especially if they are attractive and you are feeding their ego. Other women such as Karen apparently appreciates this simple approach.

Allie: Mid twenties, pretty cute. Said she is open to meeting guys when they are out. As far as the approach, said a guy should buy me and my friends a drink and come over and say hello. "It is very shady if a guy hovers around, and seems to be following me around in the location without approaching. I notice the way a man is dressed, starting from his shoes and looking up to his shirt. He should be well groomed. #5 did not answer. The guy will get major eye contact if I am interested. #7 did not answer.Note: I have read mixed reviews on this whole buying the girl a drink as the first approach. For some women, it is a total turnoff because it sends the signal you are trying to buy them.

Erica & Friends: Probably the most attractive women in the bar. We have all seen this before where they are the only ones on the dance floor and are dancing very sexy together. They threw their purses on the floor and were dancing together around them. I eventually approached Erica who said "this is a girls night out" and I won't give any guy the time of day, even though I am single. Buy me a drink? Nope, a total turnoff! When I mentioned to her that I also run singles events, her eyes got wide and said "Me and my friend will go", but we are not paying. You want to have us there, it will make you look good. I responded jokingly that if they wanted to attend, they would have to pay double, just for the guys having to put up with them. She smiled and walked away. About ten minutes she stopped me as I was walking by and said that I could be pretty sure that she would be coming to an event soon. While we were talking the second time, she had somehow leaned over and brushed her boob against my arm for about 5 or 10 seconds.

Note on body language: Ok, the boob thing seemed pretty innocent and not intentional. However the material I read last week said that women know specifically what they are doing with respect to any body contact and a woman "accidentally" brushing a body part against yours is no accident. Ladies, what is the answer here?


Anonymous said...

jaybo nice comment to erica and her friends about paying double like we need those kinda ladies around

Anonymous said...

Personally, I have lost any faith in ever meeting any eligible guy at a bar/club...which is why I turn to speedating/ parties. My friends and I are always up for a "girls night out", but do not expect much else, since most of the time men are looking for some action and little else more.

I would say that I usally am attracted to a man's eyes and smile first. Then I make my way down...a man that is well groomed and put together is always a turnon. Lastly, if he can make me laugh and offers to buy me a drink, I am definitely interested.

Regarding the boob thing, I would have to agree that women know exactly what their body parts are doing at any given moment in time. The only exception to this would be any rockin' friday happy hour where all body parts seem to be in contact with anything animal, vegetable or mineral!

One last thing, since you mentioned the "Crazy Donkey" , I have overheard from few groups of men that the women are "easy" there...makes me wonder if men have some silent network of "easy" women watering holes that they frequent.

Anonymous said...

karen's remarks makes me realize why she is single and will stay that way. what stranger in their right mind will walk up to another stranger and say they think your good looking so i wanted to meet you (thats why she was approached originally). Empathy.

Anonymous said...


I would like to add my comments about meeting guys in clubs:

# 1) When you go to the bars "with the girls", are you going to just hang out, or are you open to the possibility of meeting guys.
I have heard time and time again that women go to "hang out" and guys go to "pick up". I do go to clubs with a friend on Friday nights sometimes (Zachary's) just to unwind and get some fun exercise after a torturous week at work, but I would certainly like to meet someone.
#2) How should a guy approach you? He should just make eye contact and smile, then come over and just say hello. No cheesy pick up lines....puleeze! Just be direct and be yourself.

#3) How should a guy never approach you? Don't come over and place your hands on my body, or say something really dumb like"How you doin'?", no dumb lines, and don't stalk me or follow me around all night, unless you're going to say hello.

#4) What is the first thing you notice about a guy physically? Definitely his eyes and face, smile. He has to have a nice smile.

#5) What personality qualities does a man have that attracts you? He should be comfortable not cocky, be well groomed, and not look at me while licking his lips (at least not yet)!! Just be honest and direct. If I caught your eye because I have one green eye and one blue eye, say so!

#6) How do you let a man know you are interested? I try to make eye contact and smile. If I'm REALLY interested I might approach him and start talking or ask him to dance.

#7) If a guy acts uninterested, does it make you want him more? Does it make you say, "Why isn't he interested in me?" Sometimes, but I just move on....I don't waste time worrying about it.

Sharon (Cookie)

Anonymous said...

"gorgeous" "pretty cute" "the most attractive women in the bar..." You wanted to meet them even though they were rude and a trifle stuck-up(the last one even fell into the "bitch" category!). Too bad you were only looking for arm candy...

Anonymous said...

Meeting a guy at a Bar?! It is no secret that a bar is probably the worst place to meet someone...too many walls up, and based on how early or late in the evening it is--all parties will be drinking at some point. Secondly, if a man is drinking and then has the nerve to walk up to me, that is a small indicator of his level of confidence. If I am out with the girls for the evening, and there is someone who catches my attention (physically) - I may even walk up to him...but then it's all about his CONFIDENCE and personality...I may walk away in 5 seconds--or stick around if he has a sense of humor and something intelligent to say. Offering to buy me a drink will not make a difference. However, if he offers to buy me a drink in front of my other friends and he doesn't offer to buy them drinks...he's out--that is rude. Be a gentleman! No pick up lines required...just sincerity, charm and confidence. If a guy walks up to a woman amongst a group of other woman--good for him. I pay attention to body language, eye contact is key, the lack of cliches is also important--to any woman who is probably older and more experienced. Jay--great comment to Erica...she may have been decent looking--but with an attitude like that...she can quickly become quite ugly.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with anonymous on the direct approach. A simple hello is always a good place to start, the bottom line is it won't matter what you say or do if the chemistry is there. Most men just don't know how to take the cue. If you say hello to a woman and she politely says hi but does not look to engage in further conversation MOVE ON! She's just not into something about you, it's not personal. If a woman finds you attractive in some way, that hello will be met with a smile and warm body language. Inviting someone to talk about themselves is always a good icebreaker once youv'e made initial contact. Rubbing a body part against you unless your in a mosh pit situation is definately an invitation although some women like "Erica" just like to tease to get a reaction, it's a game to them.