Monday, July 14, 2008

How to act at Speed Dating

By Art Malov from
How to act at a Speed Dating Event

Speed dating always seemed an interesting phenomenon to me. The advertising I saw made it seem like when I sign up, I am getting a free date and that things couldn't go wrong. Women are already there and ready to be picked BY ME.

"WoW" I though to myself that's soooo good, almost too good to be true. So I signed up for my first speed dating event to see what this whole experience was about. On my first event, I went with guns blazing: charming, loud, funny, completely in my frame. Girls loved me…. Right? Well nope, I didn't get a single match. Apparently being charming, funny, and confident to EVERYONE wasn't the right message to send since I couldn't POSSIBLY connect with every single girl. Somehow, I was painting myself straight into the player category.

Let me tell you, it stings when you speed date and you feel as if you have connected with a number of women but then you find out a few days later that there are no matches waiting in your mailbox. It would have been easy for me to blame every woman that I met for not liking me or simply rationalize that I didn't like anyone at the event. I could also go into despair wondering if something is wrong with me. However, that's simply not true. Speed dating is a great way to meet new people. Everyone is single and women are actually paying to meet me! I just had to learn which pitfalls to avoid. Less blunders equal more matches which translates into more dates for me.

Since that event, I have made some changes to my entrance: lower key, not opening to everyone, kept confidence in check (over confident = arrogant) and matches started rolling in, in mass. So after attending too many speed dating events to figure out what works and what doesn't, I want to share with you what I found out, especially if you want to not only meet more women but also meet the women you want.

Before I get into details, I suggest arriving at the speed dating event a few minutes early. This way you'll have enough time to grab a drink and feel more comfortable, instead of arriving a few minutes late and having to scramble to get to the event.

#1 Mindset is what matters
We tend to spend a lot more time focusing on our clothing when going on a date, but much less time devoted to focusing on our own mindset. This is probably the biggest mistake we make because we are putting too much emphasis on dressing up and not enough emphasis on thinking positive and seeing ourselves as fun and attractive. However, women feel we are most attractive when we are confident.
So… you should be well groomed because, let's face it, in this day and age, it's practically mandatory but the next time you are getting ready for a speed date, take five minutes away from your grooming time and remind yourself that women are at the event for a reason. And that reason is to meet you: a fun, relaxed and confident man. To do this, think of some success that you have had in the past.
Remind yourself of how you have faced some challenges and how you have dealt with them. Get in a state of confidence by listening to music that puts you in a confident mood, give yourself a pep talk or do anything that you normally do to gain your assured personality. Remind yourself that you are a cool guy who values himself and the women will find you attractive and will want to know more about you.

#2 Don't be too serious
When we don't know somebody, it's our tendency to find out all of the facts about the other person first. Where do they live? Where do they work? Who are their second cousins? These questions are all good but don't begin a conversation with them. In fact, if they don't come up, it's even better. Have some fun while you are on a speed date. Talk about a recent travel or something curious that you've heard on the news.
One of the most underused conversational pieces are current events but for some odd reason, there is a stigma to talk about these boring events with friends and people you don't know. Reverse it. Before the event, pick up the newspaper, leaf through it, get some ideas and spot a few things that you find unusual or amusing. Here are some actual headlines: 'Woman Finds Unicorn Under Her Bed' or 'Wedding Ring Deflects A Gun Shot, Saves A Life'. Stay away from serious or political issues. Now you are ready for a speed date.
Speed dating is not synonymous with bore dating. So don't take the speed dating activity too seriously because this is not a job interview. Start with a joke and then you can touch up on other elements that interest you. Remember, you only have a few minutes to have a conversation. Being boring by asking tedious questions is not memorable… so have fun in the conversation instead.

#3 Don't try to impress
Most men are trying too hard to impress a woman. What they don't know is that when you try too hard to impress, you come off as needy. When you come off as needy, you are not going to find a match. Remember, she is there for a reason and that reason is you: a fun and interesting guy. Don't do all the talking in the conversation. Let your date ask you some questions in return. Don't brag about your great car or your well-paid job, unless it naturally comes up.
Removing the need to impress will do amazing things for your social and dating life. Arrive at each speed dating event with the attitude that you are there to have fun rather than anticipating the dread of the first date. It will make a world of difference. It's great when a conversation is going so well and you feel that you have a lot to say, and then you hear a signal to move on to meet the next woman. It's great because if you had so much fun and interesting things to talk about, you will want to see each other again. That's a match right there. There is no need to impress.
No matter what your experience is with meeting women, speed dating is an exciting way of meeting new people when you come to an event with a positive attitude. Look at the event as a fun experience rather than a serious activity. You may be surprised with how many more matches you get.

Art Malov

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Anonymous said...

Perhaps an article for women is in order on how to act at speed dating. For example, I always feel like I'm on a job interview at these events. And the biggest question is, "what do you do for a living ?" It's like, do you want to date me or my job ? (I am gainfully employed, by the way ) For some women I believe the answer to this question truly makes or breaks the deal !

Anonymous said...

Perhaps an article for women is in order on how to act at speed dating. For example, I always feel like I'm on a job interview at these events. And the biggest question is always, "what do you do for a living ?" It's like, do you want to date me or my job? (I'm gainfully employed, by the way). I truly believe that the answer to this question makes or breaks the deal for some women !

Anonymous said...

This is great info to know.