Monday, June 23, 2008

Dating Secret Exposed: Why Nice Guys Finish Last

Dating Secret Exposed: Why Nice Guys Finish Last

By April Mason

Are you a nice guy who has always wondered why the cocky guy -- the one who barely appears interested in the girl -- is usually the one who gets the girl?

Have you suffered from hearing the words, "You're a really nice guy, but I only like you as a friend," from a woman who you would do (or may, in fact, have already done) just about anything and everything for -- only to turn around and watch her date (or even chase) a guy who treats her like she's nothing special?

And are you stumped wondering why she would date a guy who treats her like that when she could have you who would treat her like a princess and give her everything she wants? Well, you better brace yourself because I'm going to tell you a couple of secrets that you might not want to hear.

First, "nice" equates with boring and predictable. Look up "nice" in the dictionary and you find: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. In other words, average -- not exceptional, not exciting, and not sexy.I'll bet you've never heard a woman say she didn't want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting -- have you? But, I'll bet you have heard women say things like, "He's such a nice guy. He's so sweet and he's always there for me, but I only like him as a friend." Or, "He's such a good guy -- kind, thoughtful, generous, honest, loyal -- but there's no chemistry. He just doesn't turn me on."

Sadly, I hear it all the time. The fact is, Mr. Nice Guy, you cannot bore a woman into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you. And as obvious as that sounds, if you are one of those guys I described that is exactly what you are trying to do. And it won't work.
Please understand that I am not suggesting that you mistreat women or disrespect them in any way.

What I suggesting is that you value and respect yourself more.

To illustrate what I mean: The answer to the question, "Why does the guy who doesn't appear to care as much about the girl get the girl?" is simple: The nice guy cares too much, too soon. He has made the woman too important and too valuable and it shows in everything he says and does. He is too available, too eager to please, too accommodating, and he gives too much -- all without getting anything in return. By doing so, he has made himself appear desperate, insecure, needy of this woman's attention, affection, and approval -- and he has stripped himself of any value in her eyes.

After all, if he's already doing and giving everything, without her doing or giving anything - why would she value him? She won't. She is not going to value him any more than he values himself. What she is going to do is look for someone else, someone who she perceives as being more worthy, more confident, and more valuable.
It works like this:

Once you need something, or you want it too badly, you forfeit your strength and lose all power of negotiation. You are in a position of weakness and you are perceived as weak. Someone (or something) else is in control of you, the situation, and it's outcome. Men in this situation appear to be anything but confident, strong, and exciting. More, they are perceived as being unworthy and as lacking value.
Translation: Things that are easily acquired, obtained, or maintained, without any effort or sacrifice, lack value... it's human nature.

The secret to why the cocky guy wins with women, over the nice guy, is that he is perceived as being a stronger, more confident guy with more value. How? He never invests everything -- his entire being, ego, and self-worth in what one woman's response or reaction to him is. He doesn't gush with compliments; he isn't always available; he doesn't give too much; and he knows he isn't going to die if a woman says "no" to him. More, his attitude is, yeah, I'd like to go out with you, but if I can't, that's OK -- I'm a busy guy, with exciting things going on, and lots of other options.

Relationship Advice Expert April Masini: Nicknamed "The New Millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, April Masini writes what "Dear Abby" will never print, and what your shrink doesn't have the guts to tell you.

That's why she is America's foremost online dating and relationship advice expert, as well as the best-selling author of four books: "Date Out Of Your League", (dating tips for men), "Think and Date Like a Man" (relationship advice for women), "50 First Dates" (ideas for a fun date) and "The Next 50 Dates"(romantic date ideas).


Anonymous said...

I have come to realize that women love to be abused by those cocky men. They think they can change these men into what they would like them to be. Once a player always a player. I am a nice guy but I would never kiss up to a woman. It seems that women take my niceness in the wrong way when I am only trying to be a gentleman. I guess women don't like gentlemen they prefer the cocky men. Plus what's wrong with showing a woman your are interested in them? Why do women play so many games and then complain that men play the games.

Anonymous said...

Here's the real secret - mature women want nice guys, game-playing, immature women with self-esteem issues don't. Immature women want the drama and excitement of being played with, mature women just want to have fun with their nice guys, without the drama. As a nice guy who has refused to change his ways, I have dated former cheerleaders, former actresses and well, yes, former strippers, none of whom would have been interested in me when they were in their twenties, all of whom were interested in me once they reached their forties. If a woman isn't interested in a nice guy then you shouldn't be interested in her!

Anonymous said...

Nice guys will be with you in the long haul!

Anonymous said...

In my book, nice guys finish first. There is nothing better than someone who is kind, interested, smiling, caring and everything else that goes along with nice. As a matter of fact, given the two types of men described in the article, I would choose "nice guy" every time! Nice guys are way sexier and more desirable, and when everything fades as time goes by, it's what inside that remains true and clear because "nice" is found on the both the inside and the outside. Shallow describes other types of men and that wears off very easily. So nice guys, as the song said, "Don't go changin'", please!

Anonymous said...

Well, it goes both ways. a few guys I met at events were nice, average looking,but get too clingy. calling so many times, getting mad if you dont pay attention to them. at one mingle, a guy was nice, but def. older than me, and i was polite back, but he followed me around all night
and i never had the chance to talk to other guys. I didnt want to hurt his feelings and say you are nice but not my type, but i should have because I lost out on meeting men.

Anonymous said...

omg it is so true. i cant seem to find a guy in the middle. either he calls a million times a day and has to see you every minute which, im sorry gets old fast and annoying quick or the guy is so high on himself he can only fit u into his schedule once a week and is so bad about calling.....i dont know which is worse. i def. give the ladder more of a chance, when a guy whom i just met me becomes clingy that fast i run for the hills!