Tuesday, June 09, 2009

When you are not interested........

The last time I had spoken with Jennifer, she told me she had been on a few dates with a guy she had recently met. I said "hey Jennifer, how are things going with the guy you told me about"? Her response was:

"I haven't spoken to him since the last date. It is so annoying. If he wasn't interested, I wish he would have just told me, instead of just disappearing and never contacting me again."
Yep, I admit it, I have done the same thing. Gone out on a few dates with someone and when their was no chemistry, just never called again. But what is the right way, or is their a right way (protocol) to handle it. If you have been dating for a while, then yes, I think their needs to be contact to let the other person know that it is not going anywhere.

But what about if you have dated 3 times or less and are not interested? Do you just not contact the person at all, let them know by email or text, or pick up the phone and tell them. Hey, the right thing to do is the phone, but many of us do not like the confrontation approach.


Anonymous said...

I think honesty would be greatly appreciated and not waste another person's time and energy wondering.
I went out on a first date with a guy after exchanging about a month of emails and a few weeks of talking on the phone. We met for coffee and talked for about two hours. When I got home he sent me an email thanking me for the date three times, told me how much he enjoyed it, commented on how young I looked and sweet I was and ended the email with a hopeful message to meet again very soon. After that nothing, nada, and zip.
I have been dating for a few years and have learned that no matter what the situation not to take it personally. I couldn't and don't want to even guess what happened. No matter what it had nothing to do with me.
What I would have appreciated--The nice email thanking me for the date and then leaving out a further invitation if he/she doesn't want to follow through. An actual explaination would be great but seems to be hard to come by these days.

Anonymous said...

There is no blanket answer to this question.

The first big inquiry is how much time do you have in with the other person. Although I sympathize with the previous blogger, quite frankly I do not owe anyone an explanation (nor do they owe me anything)after only one date. Provided that there is time in with the person (e.g. 8 dates or two months) then the next relevant inquiry is whether or not I think providing an explanation will do more harm or good (i.e. help or hurt the other person's feelings). Regardless of what any girl has told me, my experience has been that only the more secure people appreciate you telling them a carefully edited version the truth.

When I do tell someone something unpleasant it is in a public place where they have driven their car. I usually treat them to dinner and then try to be as quick and to the point as possible before getting out.

And most important of all, I NEVER GO BACK. For every one time that you can cite where going back works, you can also probably remember 20 times that it didnt. The dating world is game of numbers and percentages, so I always play to maximize my odds so hopefully I can meet the right person.

But hey, I could be wrong.

Anonymous said...

Personally, I think some people are just too quick to brush off someone. But, if you are no longer interested or not interested at all -- please be honest about it and the reason. The worst thing is to go out with someone for a month or so, start to think there is a possible future, then back off yet still kiss, only to suggest going out but never following through. It just makes it more hurtful.

Unknown said...

It's a matter of character - people without much character (both men and women) will not have the simple courtesy to say no. Many people make the excuse of saying they can't handle the followup. But really... the simple answer that's called for is to say you've decided you're not a match to this person and not explain further. It's also a mistake to be vindictive, even if they deserve it. The truth is this other person did not work out because they are not your match. Nothing more is necessary. Any perceived slights/offenses are really just a result of the mismatch. Move on!

Anonymous said...

Actually, when you first meet--it's not fair to judge (just based on the outside)...and often it takes more than a few dates to learn about a person's character. In that time, one may come to the conclusion that although there is "a little attraction"...the person sitting in front of them may not have the same values or ideas or want the same type of relationship. And then it's best to move on. Important matters take time to unravel. In my personal experience, I have gone on only 2 dates--and still trying to figure out what that other person is all about, and whether they are well-suited for me. I once met someone who was "nice"--however, he was 42 yrs old, living at home with mom, wasn't motivated at all in terms of his goals/occupation, wrapped up in a financial mess...but it took more than a few dates to find that info. out...he was no longer appealing. I find that although men disappear without explanations all the time...they get highly offended when that is done to them. The golden rule should apply here.

Kelly said...

I'm really confused here myself as a woman if I should tell them the truth or just ignore their phone calls. Once I told a guy honestly that we just be friends and fortunately he is secure enough to take the truth (I guess because we were texting so I can't see his expression). Also I need some comments or advice about my situation here. I met this guy at a speed dating and we were a match. He emailed me 4 days after because he said he was out of town. He asked me out and after the first date, I didn't hear from him so I emailed him the 4th day. He asked me if I wanted to go out again so I said yes because I really like him. And after the 2nd date, I didn't hear from him again so I emailed him 5 days later and the funny thing, he asked me if I wanted to hang out some time again, let him know.What does it mean here ? Is he actually interested or not ? I hate guys playing games.I mean maybe he just treat me as hang out buddy or what ?