Google A Date
The Pluses and Minuses of Googling Your Date
by April Masini
Q: Dear April,
I’ve been online dating for a couple of months and I think I’ve met someone I’m interested in going out with, but I’d like to know more. Should I google him?
Signed,
Google Safety
A:
Dear Google Safety:
So you're about to go out with someone new. You know their first name and their last, so you get to work. The Googling begins. Googling prospective dates is pretty common. But, what if it turns out he or she murdered someone? Or was arrested for drinking and driving? While Google is grand, things aren't always what they seem. What's to say what you read is right? Also, there is more than one John D. Smith out there after all, right?
Google Safety
I bet David Letterman wished he "Googled" his ranch painter, who later turned out to have a criminal record he didn't know about, until after the kidnap attempt on his son. In fact, it's always a good idea to run a little background check on people in your life -- without going overboard or getting paranoid.
Below are five Google tips you can use for your date -- or anyone else in your life.
1. Oogly Googly! Just because it's written doesn't mean it's true. There can be more than one person with the same name, and you may read things about the person who you think is your date, but it turns out it's really someone else with the same name. On the other hand, just because it's true doesn't mean it's written about. Google is a wonder, but it doesn't catch everything.
2. The good news is the bad news. If you "dodge a bullet," and find out something horrific about your Saturday night date, cancel, by all means. Never put yourself in any danger.
3. Google-dropping. If you do find out something interesting -- like he's a multi-gazilliionaire, or he's been married four times already and he's only 30, by all means bring it up on your date, but gently. There are ways of easing into a subject so that you give him the opportunity to say it first. If you find out he has kids -- or grandkids -- by Googling him, you can say on your date, "I love kids. I have the cutest niece. Do you want kids someday?" It gives him the opportunity to bring it up himself.
4. Mutual Googling. One way to bring up Googling is to say, "I assume you've Googled me. Find out anything juicy?" And then he gets to ask you what you found out about him.
5. A Google A Day. If you want to keep tabs on him, set up a Google Alert that will yield daily information about your date, as it's posted on the search engine.
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini: Nicknamed "The New Millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, April Masini writes what "Dear Abby" will never print, and what your shrink doesn't have the guts to tell you.
That's why she is America's foremost online dating and relationship advice expert, as well as the best-selling author of four books: "Date Out Of Your League", (dating tips for men), "Think and Date Like a Man" (relationship advice for women), "50 First Dates" (ideas for a fun date) and "The Next 50 Dates"(romantic date ideas).
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Dating Secret Exposed: Why Nice Guys Finish Last
Dating Secret Exposed: Why Nice Guys Finish Last
By April Mason
Are you a nice guy who has always wondered why the cocky guy -- the one who barely appears interested in the girl -- is usually the one who gets the girl?
Have you suffered from hearing the words, "You're a really nice guy, but I only like you as a friend," from a woman who you would do (or may, in fact, have already done) just about anything and everything for -- only to turn around and watch her date (or even chase) a guy who treats her like she's nothing special?
And are you stumped wondering why she would date a guy who treats her like that when she could have you who would treat her like a princess and give her everything she wants? Well, you better brace yourself because I'm going to tell you a couple of secrets that you might not want to hear.
First, "nice" equates with boring and predictable. Look up "nice" in the dictionary and you find: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. In other words, average -- not exceptional, not exciting, and not sexy.I'll bet you've never heard a woman say she didn't want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting -- have you? But, I'll bet you have heard women say things like, "He's such a nice guy. He's so sweet and he's always there for me, but I only like him as a friend." Or, "He's such a good guy -- kind, thoughtful, generous, honest, loyal -- but there's no chemistry. He just doesn't turn me on."
Sadly, I hear it all the time. The fact is, Mr. Nice Guy, you cannot bore a woman into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you. And as obvious as that sounds, if you are one of those guys I described that is exactly what you are trying to do. And it won't work.
Please understand that I am not suggesting that you mistreat women or disrespect them in any way.
What I suggesting is that you value and respect yourself more.
To illustrate what I mean: The answer to the question, "Why does the guy who doesn't appear to care as much about the girl get the girl?" is simple: The nice guy cares too much, too soon. He has made the woman too important and too valuable and it shows in everything he says and does. He is too available, too eager to please, too accommodating, and he gives too much -- all without getting anything in return. By doing so, he has made himself appear desperate, insecure, needy of this woman's attention, affection, and approval -- and he has stripped himself of any value in her eyes.
After all, if he's already doing and giving everything, without her doing or giving anything - why would she value him? She won't. She is not going to value him any more than he values himself. What she is going to do is look for someone else, someone who she perceives as being more worthy, more confident, and more valuable.
It works like this:
Once you need something, or you want it too badly, you forfeit your strength and lose all power of negotiation. You are in a position of weakness and you are perceived as weak. Someone (or something) else is in control of you, the situation, and it's outcome. Men in this situation appear to be anything but confident, strong, and exciting. More, they are perceived as being unworthy and as lacking value.
Translation: Things that are easily acquired, obtained, or maintained, without any effort or sacrifice, lack value... it's human nature.
The secret to why the cocky guy wins with women, over the nice guy, is that he is perceived as being a stronger, more confident guy with more value. How? He never invests everything -- his entire being, ego, and self-worth in what one woman's response or reaction to him is. He doesn't gush with compliments; he isn't always available; he doesn't give too much; and he knows he isn't going to die if a woman says "no" to him. More, his attitude is, yeah, I'd like to go out with you, but if I can't, that's OK -- I'm a busy guy, with exciting things going on, and lots of other options.
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini: Nicknamed "The New Millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, April Masini writes what "Dear Abby" will never print, and what your shrink doesn't have the guts to tell you.
That's why she is America's foremost online dating and relationship advice expert, as well as the best-selling author of four books: "Date Out Of Your League", (dating tips for men), "Think and Date Like a Man" (relationship advice for women), "50 First Dates" (ideas for a fun date) and "The Next 50 Dates"(romantic date ideas).
By April Mason
Are you a nice guy who has always wondered why the cocky guy -- the one who barely appears interested in the girl -- is usually the one who gets the girl?
Have you suffered from hearing the words, "You're a really nice guy, but I only like you as a friend," from a woman who you would do (or may, in fact, have already done) just about anything and everything for -- only to turn around and watch her date (or even chase) a guy who treats her like she's nothing special?
And are you stumped wondering why she would date a guy who treats her like that when she could have you who would treat her like a princess and give her everything she wants? Well, you better brace yourself because I'm going to tell you a couple of secrets that you might not want to hear.
First, "nice" equates with boring and predictable. Look up "nice" in the dictionary and you find: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. In other words, average -- not exceptional, not exciting, and not sexy.I'll bet you've never heard a woman say she didn't want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting -- have you? But, I'll bet you have heard women say things like, "He's such a nice guy. He's so sweet and he's always there for me, but I only like him as a friend." Or, "He's such a good guy -- kind, thoughtful, generous, honest, loyal -- but there's no chemistry. He just doesn't turn me on."
Sadly, I hear it all the time. The fact is, Mr. Nice Guy, you cannot bore a woman into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you. And as obvious as that sounds, if you are one of those guys I described that is exactly what you are trying to do. And it won't work.
Please understand that I am not suggesting that you mistreat women or disrespect them in any way.
What I suggesting is that you value and respect yourself more.
To illustrate what I mean: The answer to the question, "Why does the guy who doesn't appear to care as much about the girl get the girl?" is simple: The nice guy cares too much, too soon. He has made the woman too important and too valuable and it shows in everything he says and does. He is too available, too eager to please, too accommodating, and he gives too much -- all without getting anything in return. By doing so, he has made himself appear desperate, insecure, needy of this woman's attention, affection, and approval -- and he has stripped himself of any value in her eyes.
After all, if he's already doing and giving everything, without her doing or giving anything - why would she value him? She won't. She is not going to value him any more than he values himself. What she is going to do is look for someone else, someone who she perceives as being more worthy, more confident, and more valuable.
It works like this:
Once you need something, or you want it too badly, you forfeit your strength and lose all power of negotiation. You are in a position of weakness and you are perceived as weak. Someone (or something) else is in control of you, the situation, and it's outcome. Men in this situation appear to be anything but confident, strong, and exciting. More, they are perceived as being unworthy and as lacking value.
Translation: Things that are easily acquired, obtained, or maintained, without any effort or sacrifice, lack value... it's human nature.
The secret to why the cocky guy wins with women, over the nice guy, is that he is perceived as being a stronger, more confident guy with more value. How? He never invests everything -- his entire being, ego, and self-worth in what one woman's response or reaction to him is. He doesn't gush with compliments; he isn't always available; he doesn't give too much; and he knows he isn't going to die if a woman says "no" to him. More, his attitude is, yeah, I'd like to go out with you, but if I can't, that's OK -- I'm a busy guy, with exciting things going on, and lots of other options.
Relationship Advice Expert April Masini: Nicknamed "The New Millennium's Dear Abby" by the media, April Masini writes what "Dear Abby" will never print, and what your shrink doesn't have the guts to tell you.
That's why she is America's foremost online dating and relationship advice expert, as well as the best-selling author of four books: "Date Out Of Your League", (dating tips for men), "Think and Date Like a Man" (relationship advice for women), "50 First Dates" (ideas for a fun date) and "The Next 50 Dates"(romantic date ideas).
Sunday, June 15, 2008
How Do I Get Him Back?
By Christian Carter
This time I'm sharing a great question from a reader.
It's a question I get all the time from women that points out a common misunderstanding women have about men.
Reader:
Dear Christian,
I'm sorry but I need to ask you a question. I need advice and help. Me and my ex have been together off and on many times, recently we just broke up and now he's dating someone else. (he doesn't know what he wants) But I know he still has very big feelings for me and I want advice and help on getting him back. Even though he's dating someone right now, he still has feelings for me, and I need help on getting him back with me and not with her.
Please help!
Sincerely,
Needy and Hopeless
My Answer:
Thanks for writing, your email has about 147 great things here.
Let's look at a few of them...
The first important issue is that you're ignoring all the important signs your ex is giving you.
Men send a ton of silent “signals” that are out there waiting for women to tune into and pick up on.
And to learn from.
Some of these signals that men send are indirect and unintentional - but others men know they're sending out.
Please don't be naive.
Wake up!
Realize what's going on here.
If he's dating someone else, you've got to start moving on.
That's a direct and intentional signal.
He doesn't share your feelings of wanting to get back together in a committed relationship with you.
If you challenge this idea, you need to recognize something important...
That he's not in the right place in his life to share what you want with him.
What you really need for yourself is to find a healthy way to take some of the focus off of him and put it back on you and your life.
This doesn't mean you have to go out and date right now, but you need to take your mind off him.
I know it's hard to do this when you still have intense feelings for him.
But the simple truth is that you're setting yourself up for ALL KINDS of pain and disappointment...
Yeah, I've seen couples get back together like this - but the odds are things don't look good for this old relationship.
The more you can distance yourself from your ex whose dating another woman, the happier you'll be.
Trust me.
And I know doing this is tough, but you've got to do it if you're going to find your way to a new and improved situation - with or without him.
Here's something else critical going on for you...
You're making a lot of assumptions about HIS feelings when you say “he has very strong feelings for me.”
Do the math.
You know he's dating someone else.
By thinking about how you believe he FEELS inside is only keeping you stuck on him and your beliefs about the good person he can be and how great things COULD be together.
Let me put it another way-
What are his actions and behaviors saying?
If you listen to the signals your ex is sending you, you'll see that his “feelings” he shares are just his way of holding onto you for his own comfort and benefit.
Why wouldn't he want to keep you around if he's “unavailable” to really commit - because being with the other woman and still being connected to you keeps him from being fully involved in any real situation with either of you.
He's already dating another woman.
That should give you a clear idea of where his mind is at (not focused on getting back with you) and what his “feelings” TRULY are.
Here's what I want you to do first and foremost...
Think about making some decisions for YOURSELF.
Right now it sounds like your waiting for him to make all the decisions.
Think about what YOU WANT to be happy, and remember all the things your ex has done and said to let you know he's not committed to sharing his love with you.
If you give him and yourself some space, a funny thing might happen you won't expect...
Your ex-boyfriend won't have the comfort of two women who both want his affection.
He won't know that you're still there waiting for him - and this will trigger thoughts and actions in him that will ultimately help resolve your situation.
Until then...
For your own well-being, it's important you let him know he can't keep sharing his intimate feelings with you while he's dating another woman.
HERE'S A RULE YOU NEED TO REMEMEBER:
****
Never allow men who have “someone else” in their life to keep sharing and expressing their feelings for you.
****
It's wrong on several levels... for you most of all.
When a man can have the affection of two women, and he's in a place where he's emotionally non-committed to either, odds are he will try to keep this situation going for as long as possible!
Not all men would do this, but men who are “unavailable”, as it sounds your ex is, can continue multiple initimate situations at once.
You don't want to date a man that's in this place in his life... and I know because I've been this guy in my past!
NO AMOUNT of talking, experience or reasoning with him can get him to feel the way you want him to feel.
You can't change a man's emotional depth and where he's at in his life.
“Getting him back” is a bad idea.
Rarely does this give you what you think you want.
It's a losing battle, and you're going to end up being hurt or upset again as you undoubtedly keep moving farther and farther away from what YOU ideally want and closer and closer to whatever strange and unhealthy situation he's creating.
If you feel like you HAVE to see this through, then be careful. You're going against the odds.
Don't be “that girl”.
And I promise that you'll ruin your chances if you think you can “convince” him to come back to you through shows of affection, appeals to his desires or other “gifts” to bribe him.
I've watched this EXACT thing unfold so many times.
IT DOESN'T WORK!
Instead, you should think about the times you've broken up and the times you've seen that he wasn't personally ready for a relationship.
Those things are as real as the strong feelings and emotions you feel that keeps you coming back.
Use the issues and challenges you had together as a guide or a reminder of what's keeping you two apart now.
And once you start doing this, I think you're going to be strangely surprised at what starts to happen for you...
Once your guy notices that he doesn't have you waiting around for him like a puppy dog to figure it out, while he's off doing god knows what with other women, there's going to be a big change in his attitude and behavior.
It doesn't make “sense”, but that's how it WORKS.
****
THE CRITICAL SKILLS OF UNDERSTANDING MEN'S SIGNALS AND IDENTIFYING GOOD MEN FROM “UNAVAILABLE TOADS”...
****
You've got to learn to understand and identify “EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE” men.
If a man doesn't know what he wants, he generally doesn't want what he's got.
This may sound harsh, but it's the truth of the situation. And even when it isn't completely true, it's a good rule to go by.
A good man who is the right person and wants to be with you will find his own way to his “Emotional Truth”.
If his truth is that he wants to be with you, or not be with you, you have to respect that.
But I see women do it all the time.
The guy will be sending all kinds of subtle (or even direct) signs that he's not “available” or interested in something “serious”, but the woman ignores them and just pays attention to the fact that he likes being with her when they're together.
In other words, she substitutes the physical connection, or even the occasional emotional connection, for the real relationship she wants to be in.
WRONG!
Men have a different “love equation” from women:
A strong connection does NOT necessarily equal any interest in a relationship.
That's why it's CRITICAL that women learn to read the signals that a man sends about where he's at.
Because he's surely not going to just lay it all out there for you.
I promise.
If he does, write me an email, tell me all about it, and give me his mailing address so I can send him his prize.
When a guy isn't interested in a relationship, and he's hdoing something like seeing other women, here's what most women start doing that makes things go from bad to worse...
They start trying to “fix” things, and “fix” the guy.
And then comes the “convincing” behavior, trying to convince the man that they are the right one for him, and that because they have such a great connection, a loving “relationship” is the only right way to go.
I know, it sounds bizarre.
Why would a man have a great woman and a great connection with her that felt amazing when they were together, and not want a relationship?
I'll get to that later...
The thing I'm worried about here for you is that in trying to get your guy back, you're making these mistakes that are like “man-repellent”.
So I'll say it again.
You can't convince a man to want to be with you.
I don't know the specifics surrounding your off-and-on with the ex, but it speaks volumes.
Especially when it's combined with him not “knowing what he wants”.
This is CLASSIC man-speak for “I'm not emotionally available and I'm not ready for a real relationship”.
When he can't get in touch with his feelings and isn't open to exploring them, it's a text-book case of unavailability.
I don't mean that he can't share feelings or some level of intimacy with you...
In fact, I'm sure he still likes to connect with you when things are easy-going and he's not feeling “pressure” around you.
But your ex sharing his feelings with you can easily confuse you into thinking that he is potentially the right guy and ready for a long term relationship.
I'm sure you've seen this since you've been back and forth with him. But when a guy is unavailable, he has a fear of getting deeper into a relationship that he knows he's not ready for.
In his own way he's tried to tell you this several times.
Here's what he's saying:
Yes, I have “feelings” for you.
And no... that doesn't mean I want to be in a relationship with you and be faithful.
Take some time to think about the past with your ex, and then compare that to what will honestly make YOU happy, and what kind of relationship you want in your future.
If you're honest about it with yourself, I don't think he'll fit well into that based on his actions and behavior.
Put more value on his actions, not his words.
Get back to the things that you enjoy, the places you like to go and avoid places or things you used to do or see with your ex.
Spend some time with your friends and give yourself the space you deserve.
The less you talk about your ex and this situation for now, the better off you'll be.
And I think you'll be amazed at the results.
First, I think you'll just plain old feel better.
But even better than that, you'll be breaking the old connection that you had with your “x”.
And as counterintuitive as it sounds, breaking out of your old connection is actually the thing that's going to change the situation for you the most and help get you the results you want.
Right now, your convincing him and your wanting him back, even when he's with another woman, is making you come off in all kinds of ways that men just don't respond well to.
I know it seems like the best idea to keep trying to stay in touch with him and keep the connection alive.
But the truth is that you're just keeping this same old situation alive by pumping your time and attention into it.
If instead, you step back and stop chasing him or trying to convince him you're the right woman, you'll have an opportunity to do something that can honestly be ATTRACTIVE to him-
You first leave a space that he'll not recognize and not understand, which will first get him thinking about you and then wondering why you aren't acting the way you used to.
Men love “new” things and curiosities.
Plus, you'll also be able to give him the space he's tried asking you for in his retarded emotioanally unavailable “man-speak”.
Something funny happens when a man gets the space he asked for- If you do it in the right way, he's forced to deal with himself and his own feelings to figure out that all the things he is worried about, afraid of, fearful of “committing to”, etc.
And being by himself, he'll see that these things are really just in his own mind - and not bad things about YOU.
In other words - he won't keep taking all the old “stuff” from the past that wasn't working and keep identifying it with YOU.
But you've to go know the way to “re-wire” the connection once you've broken the old one.
And if you can do this, I guarantee he'll come calling wondering about you.
In my ebook, “Catch Him And Keep Him”, I spell out specific ways to communicate with men that will help you build that new connection.
There are several psychological and behavioral “keys” that will help to open a man up.
And just as important, they will make him feel that electric spark of ATTRACTION with you again.
I'm talking about the kind of attraction that gets a guy feeling, at a deep level, that he wants to be with you right now AND far into the future.
This goes for the “unavailable” guys too that seem to keep withdrawing and don't communicate much about their feelings or what they want.
These guys are the toughest ones.
If there's just ONE PIECE OF ADVICE that holds more power for women than any other when it comes to men, it's this concept of only dating emotionally available men.
In my ebook, I also talk about how to identify good men from the “unavailable” ones.
If you're dating, wouldn't it be great to know what kind of guy you're dealing with FROM THE START?
And if think you're already got an unavailable guy on your hands, and you're wondering what you can do after all the frustrating disappointments that have gone on...
There's AN ENTIRE SECTION of the book dedicated to helping you both understand the emotional world of a man (yikes, right!) and how to lead him to a better way of being with and understanding you.
So make the choice to do something about your love- life and create the situation you want in your life.
Go check out my ebook now.
You can download it and be reading it in just a couple of minutes.
Check it out here:
Click Here For Your Free Newsletter And eBook Download
Thanks for reading and best of luck in life and love.
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
©Copyright 2008, Catch Him Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright materials used by permission.
“Catch Him And Keep Him” and “Christian Carter”
are trademarks of Catch Him Inc.
This time I'm sharing a great question from a reader.
It's a question I get all the time from women that points out a common misunderstanding women have about men.
Reader:
Dear Christian,
I'm sorry but I need to ask you a question. I need advice and help. Me and my ex have been together off and on many times, recently we just broke up and now he's dating someone else. (he doesn't know what he wants) But I know he still has very big feelings for me and I want advice and help on getting him back. Even though he's dating someone right now, he still has feelings for me, and I need help on getting him back with me and not with her.
Please help!
Sincerely,
Needy and Hopeless
My Answer:
Thanks for writing, your email has about 147 great things here.
Let's look at a few of them...
The first important issue is that you're ignoring all the important signs your ex is giving you.
Men send a ton of silent “signals” that are out there waiting for women to tune into and pick up on.
And to learn from.
Some of these signals that men send are indirect and unintentional - but others men know they're sending out.
Please don't be naive.
Wake up!
Realize what's going on here.
If he's dating someone else, you've got to start moving on.
That's a direct and intentional signal.
He doesn't share your feelings of wanting to get back together in a committed relationship with you.
If you challenge this idea, you need to recognize something important...
That he's not in the right place in his life to share what you want with him.
What you really need for yourself is to find a healthy way to take some of the focus off of him and put it back on you and your life.
This doesn't mean you have to go out and date right now, but you need to take your mind off him.
I know it's hard to do this when you still have intense feelings for him.
But the simple truth is that you're setting yourself up for ALL KINDS of pain and disappointment...
Yeah, I've seen couples get back together like this - but the odds are things don't look good for this old relationship.
The more you can distance yourself from your ex whose dating another woman, the happier you'll be.
Trust me.
And I know doing this is tough, but you've got to do it if you're going to find your way to a new and improved situation - with or without him.
Here's something else critical going on for you...
You're making a lot of assumptions about HIS feelings when you say “he has very strong feelings for me.”
Do the math.
You know he's dating someone else.
By thinking about how you believe he FEELS inside is only keeping you stuck on him and your beliefs about the good person he can be and how great things COULD be together.
Let me put it another way-
What are his actions and behaviors saying?
If you listen to the signals your ex is sending you, you'll see that his “feelings” he shares are just his way of holding onto you for his own comfort and benefit.
Why wouldn't he want to keep you around if he's “unavailable” to really commit - because being with the other woman and still being connected to you keeps him from being fully involved in any real situation with either of you.
He's already dating another woman.
That should give you a clear idea of where his mind is at (not focused on getting back with you) and what his “feelings” TRULY are.
Here's what I want you to do first and foremost...
Think about making some decisions for YOURSELF.
Right now it sounds like your waiting for him to make all the decisions.
Think about what YOU WANT to be happy, and remember all the things your ex has done and said to let you know he's not committed to sharing his love with you.
If you give him and yourself some space, a funny thing might happen you won't expect...
Your ex-boyfriend won't have the comfort of two women who both want his affection.
He won't know that you're still there waiting for him - and this will trigger thoughts and actions in him that will ultimately help resolve your situation.
Until then...
For your own well-being, it's important you let him know he can't keep sharing his intimate feelings with you while he's dating another woman.
HERE'S A RULE YOU NEED TO REMEMEBER:
****
Never allow men who have “someone else” in their life to keep sharing and expressing their feelings for you.
****
It's wrong on several levels... for you most of all.
When a man can have the affection of two women, and he's in a place where he's emotionally non-committed to either, odds are he will try to keep this situation going for as long as possible!
Not all men would do this, but men who are “unavailable”, as it sounds your ex is, can continue multiple initimate situations at once.
You don't want to date a man that's in this place in his life... and I know because I've been this guy in my past!
NO AMOUNT of talking, experience or reasoning with him can get him to feel the way you want him to feel.
You can't change a man's emotional depth and where he's at in his life.
“Getting him back” is a bad idea.
Rarely does this give you what you think you want.
It's a losing battle, and you're going to end up being hurt or upset again as you undoubtedly keep moving farther and farther away from what YOU ideally want and closer and closer to whatever strange and unhealthy situation he's creating.
If you feel like you HAVE to see this through, then be careful. You're going against the odds.
Don't be “that girl”.
And I promise that you'll ruin your chances if you think you can “convince” him to come back to you through shows of affection, appeals to his desires or other “gifts” to bribe him.
I've watched this EXACT thing unfold so many times.
IT DOESN'T WORK!
Instead, you should think about the times you've broken up and the times you've seen that he wasn't personally ready for a relationship.
Those things are as real as the strong feelings and emotions you feel that keeps you coming back.
Use the issues and challenges you had together as a guide or a reminder of what's keeping you two apart now.
And once you start doing this, I think you're going to be strangely surprised at what starts to happen for you...
Once your guy notices that he doesn't have you waiting around for him like a puppy dog to figure it out, while he's off doing god knows what with other women, there's going to be a big change in his attitude and behavior.
It doesn't make “sense”, but that's how it WORKS.
****
THE CRITICAL SKILLS OF UNDERSTANDING MEN'S SIGNALS AND IDENTIFYING GOOD MEN FROM “UNAVAILABLE TOADS”...
****
You've got to learn to understand and identify “EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE” men.
If a man doesn't know what he wants, he generally doesn't want what he's got.
This may sound harsh, but it's the truth of the situation. And even when it isn't completely true, it's a good rule to go by.
A good man who is the right person and wants to be with you will find his own way to his “Emotional Truth”.
If his truth is that he wants to be with you, or not be with you, you have to respect that.
But I see women do it all the time.
The guy will be sending all kinds of subtle (or even direct) signs that he's not “available” or interested in something “serious”, but the woman ignores them and just pays attention to the fact that he likes being with her when they're together.
In other words, she substitutes the physical connection, or even the occasional emotional connection, for the real relationship she wants to be in.
WRONG!
Men have a different “love equation” from women:
A strong connection does NOT necessarily equal any interest in a relationship.
That's why it's CRITICAL that women learn to read the signals that a man sends about where he's at.
Because he's surely not going to just lay it all out there for you.
I promise.
If he does, write me an email, tell me all about it, and give me his mailing address so I can send him his prize.
When a guy isn't interested in a relationship, and he's hdoing something like seeing other women, here's what most women start doing that makes things go from bad to worse...
They start trying to “fix” things, and “fix” the guy.
And then comes the “convincing” behavior, trying to convince the man that they are the right one for him, and that because they have such a great connection, a loving “relationship” is the only right way to go.
I know, it sounds bizarre.
Why would a man have a great woman and a great connection with her that felt amazing when they were together, and not want a relationship?
I'll get to that later...
The thing I'm worried about here for you is that in trying to get your guy back, you're making these mistakes that are like “man-repellent”.
So I'll say it again.
You can't convince a man to want to be with you.
I don't know the specifics surrounding your off-and-on with the ex, but it speaks volumes.
Especially when it's combined with him not “knowing what he wants”.
This is CLASSIC man-speak for “I'm not emotionally available and I'm not ready for a real relationship”.
When he can't get in touch with his feelings and isn't open to exploring them, it's a text-book case of unavailability.
I don't mean that he can't share feelings or some level of intimacy with you...
In fact, I'm sure he still likes to connect with you when things are easy-going and he's not feeling “pressure” around you.
But your ex sharing his feelings with you can easily confuse you into thinking that he is potentially the right guy and ready for a long term relationship.
I'm sure you've seen this since you've been back and forth with him. But when a guy is unavailable, he has a fear of getting deeper into a relationship that he knows he's not ready for.
In his own way he's tried to tell you this several times.
Here's what he's saying:
Yes, I have “feelings” for you.
And no... that doesn't mean I want to be in a relationship with you and be faithful.
Take some time to think about the past with your ex, and then compare that to what will honestly make YOU happy, and what kind of relationship you want in your future.
If you're honest about it with yourself, I don't think he'll fit well into that based on his actions and behavior.
Put more value on his actions, not his words.
Get back to the things that you enjoy, the places you like to go and avoid places or things you used to do or see with your ex.
Spend some time with your friends and give yourself the space you deserve.
The less you talk about your ex and this situation for now, the better off you'll be.
And I think you'll be amazed at the results.
First, I think you'll just plain old feel better.
But even better than that, you'll be breaking the old connection that you had with your “x”.
And as counterintuitive as it sounds, breaking out of your old connection is actually the thing that's going to change the situation for you the most and help get you the results you want.
Right now, your convincing him and your wanting him back, even when he's with another woman, is making you come off in all kinds of ways that men just don't respond well to.
I know it seems like the best idea to keep trying to stay in touch with him and keep the connection alive.
But the truth is that you're just keeping this same old situation alive by pumping your time and attention into it.
If instead, you step back and stop chasing him or trying to convince him you're the right woman, you'll have an opportunity to do something that can honestly be ATTRACTIVE to him-
You first leave a space that he'll not recognize and not understand, which will first get him thinking about you and then wondering why you aren't acting the way you used to.
Men love “new” things and curiosities.
Plus, you'll also be able to give him the space he's tried asking you for in his retarded emotioanally unavailable “man-speak”.
Something funny happens when a man gets the space he asked for- If you do it in the right way, he's forced to deal with himself and his own feelings to figure out that all the things he is worried about, afraid of, fearful of “committing to”, etc.
And being by himself, he'll see that these things are really just in his own mind - and not bad things about YOU.
In other words - he won't keep taking all the old “stuff” from the past that wasn't working and keep identifying it with YOU.
But you've to go know the way to “re-wire” the connection once you've broken the old one.
And if you can do this, I guarantee he'll come calling wondering about you.
In my ebook, “Catch Him And Keep Him”, I spell out specific ways to communicate with men that will help you build that new connection.
There are several psychological and behavioral “keys” that will help to open a man up.
And just as important, they will make him feel that electric spark of ATTRACTION with you again.
I'm talking about the kind of attraction that gets a guy feeling, at a deep level, that he wants to be with you right now AND far into the future.
This goes for the “unavailable” guys too that seem to keep withdrawing and don't communicate much about their feelings or what they want.
These guys are the toughest ones.
If there's just ONE PIECE OF ADVICE that holds more power for women than any other when it comes to men, it's this concept of only dating emotionally available men.
In my ebook, I also talk about how to identify good men from the “unavailable” ones.
If you're dating, wouldn't it be great to know what kind of guy you're dealing with FROM THE START?
And if think you're already got an unavailable guy on your hands, and you're wondering what you can do after all the frustrating disappointments that have gone on...
There's AN ENTIRE SECTION of the book dedicated to helping you both understand the emotional world of a man (yikes, right!) and how to lead him to a better way of being with and understanding you.
So make the choice to do something about your love- life and create the situation you want in your life.
Go check out my ebook now.
You can download it and be reading it in just a couple of minutes.
Check it out here:
Click Here For Your Free Newsletter And eBook Download
Thanks for reading and best of luck in life and love.
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
©Copyright 2008, Catch Him Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright materials used by permission.
“Catch Him And Keep Him” and “Christian Carter”
are trademarks of Catch Him Inc.
Monday, June 09, 2008
June Love Horoscopes
By Vanessa Calderon- Seventh Sense Astrology
Your June 2008 Romance and Partnership Horoscopes
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
The pace of your life is faster during the first three weeks of the month than it will be during the end of the month, Aries. Social events are plentiful while the sun is in Gemini and then you will need to buckle down and take care of everything that has to do with home and family when the sun and Venus cross into Cancer during the week of June 20th. Passionate connections with other fire signs (Leo and Sagittarius) are possible this month. Be aware that you may also meet a person, or people, who have very strong personalities. Back up and reevaluate the motives of people who seem bossy or overbearing. Your home is your place of respite, so use it to recharge and renew yourself after the 20th.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
The world seems to move so much faster in June because the sun is in Gemini, but you get off easy this month with Mercury retrograde. Details are not flying by you as fast as they do when Mercury is direct. Mercury will go direct again in the third week of the month, but by that time, you will have a nice blanket of Cancerean energy to wrap yourself in. Until then, you might find that partners and potential partners are indecisive, and that the people you have been meeting seem to have two personalities. Stay or go? Here or there? Don’t watch the tennis match that is going on in front of you. Wait until next month for people to become more certain of the respective paths they want to take before you decide which people you want to travel along with.
GEMINI (May21-June21)
Tongue tied? I thought so. But this only lasts until the last week of the month when your ruling planet, Mercury, starts moving forward in your sign. The first two-thirds of June move a bit more slowly than you would like and you should be methodical about laying your plans for the future. You might have many instances of deja-vu this month when people from your past start showing up again in the strangest places. They are appearing for a reason, so finish old business and you’ll be glad you got closure. About passion: there is a possibility of an intense exchange with a partner, potential partner, or an interesting member of whichever sex it is that you prefer to couple with. Ideological differences do not need to come between you, but people seem to be quite opinionated this month. When in doubt, your best bet is to keep quiet.
CANCER (June 22-July 23)
There are some pieces of information that you are privy to regarding people who are close to you, and it is much wiser to keep them to yourself than to spread them around this month. Importantly, this is a very interesting time for you in terms of relationships. Many partnerships that you have been involved in that have had financial implications will begin to dissolve. You will find though, that the newer relationships in your life will also have connections to finances, so let’s use this energy wisely: Take control of where your partnership roads are leading by seeking out cohorts who have business and accounting experience, experience with valuables like jewelry and antiques, and hang out with people who understand tax codes. The energies that are permeating your relationship angles now will be solidifying for a long period of time and the best way to conquer the wave is to ride it! Work with the energy instead of letting it work you, and your new relationships will be more give and take instead of just give.
LEO (July 23- Aug 22)
There’s nothing more entertaining than a Leo who puts himself/herself on display, but there’s nothing more sad than looking at a Leo who has run himself/herself ragged. You’ll be pulled in different directions this month. You’ll likely have the stamina to handle it, as you often do. Just be aware not to push yourself too hard or you might feel like a turtle going up stream by the time June 20th rolls around. Regarding your closest partnerships, you are not likely to get anywhere unless you make your needs and intentions known in advance. Things that you wish you had said in the past can be said now, so that there are no regrets. Be clear about everything you want people to understand about you even if you feel cloudy-headed. Your partners and potential partners will appreciate your ability to reach out on an objective and friendly level.
VIRGO (Aug 23- Sept 22)
Partners and people who are close to have the potential to make decisions that you don’t know about in advance, or that you don’t see coming, Virgo. That frustrates you to no end. You value communication highly and nothing burns you more than a loved one who doesn’t let you in on important details. Did he or she forget, or was it intentional? Given the intense energies you are experiencing right now, it is probably intentional, but it is doubtful that people are seriously out to hurt you; they aren’t giving you the whole story for your own protection. Also, don’t go so out on a limb for someone this month that you end up standing alone, holding the ball. Pay close attention to detail, and accept what is obvious, and you’ll be happy to see that everything is getting back to normal for you by the third week of the month. Positive people to spend time with: professionals, teachers and people in health and healing fields.
LIBRA (Sept 23- Oct 23)
Hey, Libra, you have the potential to do great things this month, when a new social network opens up for you and you achieve something rather lofty at work or in your field of endeavor. That’s great news in partnership matters because you will likely run into lots of people who are of like mind and whose goals are similar to yours. Before June 20th, you might feel like you are spinning your wheels a little bit in regards to long-term goals, but you can expect to make important decisions regarding your future toward the end of the month. If things don’t move quickly enough for you in business and partnerships this month, then be content to watch from afar and use your time wisely, because you will be on a new path with new people in at least one area of your life before June ends.
SCORPIO (Oct 24- Nov 21)
Nothing suits you better than a partner with whom you can partake in mental gymnastics, and nothing frustrates you more than attractive people who play mind games. Could it be that someone has figured you out? Wow, that would be a feat, but you could certainly have met your match by the end of the month. People in authority are likely to demand more of you right now and so you have to be sure to pay attention to the little details in their plans. Look out for the needs of others while you wait for Mercury to shift gears and start moving forward in the third week of the month. After that happens, you will see that the attractive person (or people) who had been puzzling you isn’t really a complicated person at all. It was just your own fear of not being in control of every situation, and your innate desire to hold all of the marbles, that was making you think that treachery was afoot.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22- Dec 21)
June highlights your partnership and marriage sectors every year so you will see that your closest partnerships are at the forefront of your mind. If you are not married, then you will be spending more time with people who are, and with people who would like to be. Certain important people in your life are holding back a little bit, for good reason. They might be trying to sort out some serious disputes or are working out some personal issues. People you look to for support are generally trying to find themselves, and their own places in the grand scheme, all through the month of June. Their attention, and maybe yours as well, will wander toward foreign ideas, but everyone will find his or her way home again by the third week of the month. Until then, expect people to need space, and to need your wise and philosophical council. Be prepared to let loved ones go off on a long leash until the sun moves into Cancer around the 23rd when emotional attachments begin to deepen again.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22- Jan 19)
Attachments to people in service professions are likely this month, Capricorn. You are in a service-to-others kind of mood, or you are for once being asked to kick back and be served. The urge to move forward on some very intense and exciting projects you are involved in must be tamed and put aside until the third week of the month. During the middle of the month, there may be surprise revelations about people you always assumed you knew very well. Emotional issues will take center stage after the sun moves into Cancer on the 23rd, so until then, don’t expect answers to any deep and probing questions in regards to relationships. People are going to start opening up to you emotionally more toward the end of the month. You could even fall in love.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20- Feb 20)
This is the time to give your partners their kudos, and to give in a little if an object of your affection needs complements and coddling. You are not the most emotional sign in the zodiac and at this time of year you tend to charm the pants off of everyone with your intelligence and wit. However, the energy is only social and detached until the third week of the month when people will need you to open up emotionally, and they will ask you to do so. If their forwardness makes you uncomfortable, that is no surprise. Just remember that there are times when even Aquarians have to prove their friendship, love and loyalty. Now is not the time to assume that everyone already knows how you feel. Caring for people takes a lot more than giving advice; it also requires giving from the soul. People might even resurface from the past to ask you how you feel, or to tell you how they feel about you.
PISCES (Feb 21- March 20)
This is a mechanical month for you Pisces, when exterior and interior improvements around your home simply must be taken care of. Much of the action in general takes place close to home this month so you probably won’t be traveling much. Little bursts of ego competition will likely take place between people you love and you can rest assured it won’t last very long, so stay out of it. Pieces of material wealth or wisdom that you received from your parents are important this month as well. What would they say about your romantic/partnership situation right now? Don’t discount the wisdom in their advice, or ignore the wisdom contained in what you know they would say to you about partnerships at this time. If you are looking for more seriously compatable people with whom you can spend quality time then seek out people who love animals, people who are in the fields of home improvements and health care, people who are a little shy and are not likely to talk your ear off, and people who have very strong intuition. You will appreciate being with people who are most like you in these ways all month.
Your June 2008 Romance and Partnership Horoscopes
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
The pace of your life is faster during the first three weeks of the month than it will be during the end of the month, Aries. Social events are plentiful while the sun is in Gemini and then you will need to buckle down and take care of everything that has to do with home and family when the sun and Venus cross into Cancer during the week of June 20th. Passionate connections with other fire signs (Leo and Sagittarius) are possible this month. Be aware that you may also meet a person, or people, who have very strong personalities. Back up and reevaluate the motives of people who seem bossy or overbearing. Your home is your place of respite, so use it to recharge and renew yourself after the 20th.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
The world seems to move so much faster in June because the sun is in Gemini, but you get off easy this month with Mercury retrograde. Details are not flying by you as fast as they do when Mercury is direct. Mercury will go direct again in the third week of the month, but by that time, you will have a nice blanket of Cancerean energy to wrap yourself in. Until then, you might find that partners and potential partners are indecisive, and that the people you have been meeting seem to have two personalities. Stay or go? Here or there? Don’t watch the tennis match that is going on in front of you. Wait until next month for people to become more certain of the respective paths they want to take before you decide which people you want to travel along with.
GEMINI (May21-June21)
Tongue tied? I thought so. But this only lasts until the last week of the month when your ruling planet, Mercury, starts moving forward in your sign. The first two-thirds of June move a bit more slowly than you would like and you should be methodical about laying your plans for the future. You might have many instances of deja-vu this month when people from your past start showing up again in the strangest places. They are appearing for a reason, so finish old business and you’ll be glad you got closure. About passion: there is a possibility of an intense exchange with a partner, potential partner, or an interesting member of whichever sex it is that you prefer to couple with. Ideological differences do not need to come between you, but people seem to be quite opinionated this month. When in doubt, your best bet is to keep quiet.
CANCER (June 22-July 23)
There are some pieces of information that you are privy to regarding people who are close to you, and it is much wiser to keep them to yourself than to spread them around this month. Importantly, this is a very interesting time for you in terms of relationships. Many partnerships that you have been involved in that have had financial implications will begin to dissolve. You will find though, that the newer relationships in your life will also have connections to finances, so let’s use this energy wisely: Take control of where your partnership roads are leading by seeking out cohorts who have business and accounting experience, experience with valuables like jewelry and antiques, and hang out with people who understand tax codes. The energies that are permeating your relationship angles now will be solidifying for a long period of time and the best way to conquer the wave is to ride it! Work with the energy instead of letting it work you, and your new relationships will be more give and take instead of just give.
LEO (July 23- Aug 22)
There’s nothing more entertaining than a Leo who puts himself/herself on display, but there’s nothing more sad than looking at a Leo who has run himself/herself ragged. You’ll be pulled in different directions this month. You’ll likely have the stamina to handle it, as you often do. Just be aware not to push yourself too hard or you might feel like a turtle going up stream by the time June 20th rolls around. Regarding your closest partnerships, you are not likely to get anywhere unless you make your needs and intentions known in advance. Things that you wish you had said in the past can be said now, so that there are no regrets. Be clear about everything you want people to understand about you even if you feel cloudy-headed. Your partners and potential partners will appreciate your ability to reach out on an objective and friendly level.
VIRGO (Aug 23- Sept 22)
Partners and people who are close to have the potential to make decisions that you don’t know about in advance, or that you don’t see coming, Virgo. That frustrates you to no end. You value communication highly and nothing burns you more than a loved one who doesn’t let you in on important details. Did he or she forget, or was it intentional? Given the intense energies you are experiencing right now, it is probably intentional, but it is doubtful that people are seriously out to hurt you; they aren’t giving you the whole story for your own protection. Also, don’t go so out on a limb for someone this month that you end up standing alone, holding the ball. Pay close attention to detail, and accept what is obvious, and you’ll be happy to see that everything is getting back to normal for you by the third week of the month. Positive people to spend time with: professionals, teachers and people in health and healing fields.
LIBRA (Sept 23- Oct 23)
Hey, Libra, you have the potential to do great things this month, when a new social network opens up for you and you achieve something rather lofty at work or in your field of endeavor. That’s great news in partnership matters because you will likely run into lots of people who are of like mind and whose goals are similar to yours. Before June 20th, you might feel like you are spinning your wheels a little bit in regards to long-term goals, but you can expect to make important decisions regarding your future toward the end of the month. If things don’t move quickly enough for you in business and partnerships this month, then be content to watch from afar and use your time wisely, because you will be on a new path with new people in at least one area of your life before June ends.
SCORPIO (Oct 24- Nov 21)
Nothing suits you better than a partner with whom you can partake in mental gymnastics, and nothing frustrates you more than attractive people who play mind games. Could it be that someone has figured you out? Wow, that would be a feat, but you could certainly have met your match by the end of the month. People in authority are likely to demand more of you right now and so you have to be sure to pay attention to the little details in their plans. Look out for the needs of others while you wait for Mercury to shift gears and start moving forward in the third week of the month. After that happens, you will see that the attractive person (or people) who had been puzzling you isn’t really a complicated person at all. It was just your own fear of not being in control of every situation, and your innate desire to hold all of the marbles, that was making you think that treachery was afoot.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22- Dec 21)
June highlights your partnership and marriage sectors every year so you will see that your closest partnerships are at the forefront of your mind. If you are not married, then you will be spending more time with people who are, and with people who would like to be. Certain important people in your life are holding back a little bit, for good reason. They might be trying to sort out some serious disputes or are working out some personal issues. People you look to for support are generally trying to find themselves, and their own places in the grand scheme, all through the month of June. Their attention, and maybe yours as well, will wander toward foreign ideas, but everyone will find his or her way home again by the third week of the month. Until then, expect people to need space, and to need your wise and philosophical council. Be prepared to let loved ones go off on a long leash until the sun moves into Cancer around the 23rd when emotional attachments begin to deepen again.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22- Jan 19)
Attachments to people in service professions are likely this month, Capricorn. You are in a service-to-others kind of mood, or you are for once being asked to kick back and be served. The urge to move forward on some very intense and exciting projects you are involved in must be tamed and put aside until the third week of the month. During the middle of the month, there may be surprise revelations about people you always assumed you knew very well. Emotional issues will take center stage after the sun moves into Cancer on the 23rd, so until then, don’t expect answers to any deep and probing questions in regards to relationships. People are going to start opening up to you emotionally more toward the end of the month. You could even fall in love.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20- Feb 20)
This is the time to give your partners their kudos, and to give in a little if an object of your affection needs complements and coddling. You are not the most emotional sign in the zodiac and at this time of year you tend to charm the pants off of everyone with your intelligence and wit. However, the energy is only social and detached until the third week of the month when people will need you to open up emotionally, and they will ask you to do so. If their forwardness makes you uncomfortable, that is no surprise. Just remember that there are times when even Aquarians have to prove their friendship, love and loyalty. Now is not the time to assume that everyone already knows how you feel. Caring for people takes a lot more than giving advice; it also requires giving from the soul. People might even resurface from the past to ask you how you feel, or to tell you how they feel about you.
PISCES (Feb 21- March 20)
This is a mechanical month for you Pisces, when exterior and interior improvements around your home simply must be taken care of. Much of the action in general takes place close to home this month so you probably won’t be traveling much. Little bursts of ego competition will likely take place between people you love and you can rest assured it won’t last very long, so stay out of it. Pieces of material wealth or wisdom that you received from your parents are important this month as well. What would they say about your romantic/partnership situation right now? Don’t discount the wisdom in their advice, or ignore the wisdom contained in what you know they would say to you about partnerships at this time. If you are looking for more seriously compatable people with whom you can spend quality time then seek out people who love animals, people who are in the fields of home improvements and health care, people who are a little shy and are not likely to talk your ear off, and people who have very strong intuition. You will appreciate being with people who are most like you in these ways all month.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Creating “Intense Attraction”
Creating “Intense Attraction”
With A Man by Christian Carter
I'd like to tell you a story...
It's a story that you might find strangely familiar. Don't be alarmed.
Once upon a time, there was a woman who was very attracted to a particular man.
At first, he was just another attractive man... but the more she got to know him, the more she began to feel attracted to him... and the more time she spent with him, the more that attraction grew into a deep emotional attachment and affection for him.
But there was one problem.
As her emotional attachment grew stronger and stronger, she also grew more and more insecure.
Why?
Because she couldn't tell whether or not he felt the same way towards her.
Sometimes he would talk to her and say things that led her to believe that they shared a special connection, but nothing ever progressed past the “friendship” stage.
There was an occasional glance, an occasional email or call from him... and a few times, he even opened up about something personal or emotional, and invited her “inside” for a little while.
But something was wrong with the picture.
He just wasn't acting like a man who was “falling in love”. He was acting like a friend, but at times, even more distant than a friend would be.
And things seemed to be hot and cold. Sometimes he would look at her and talk to her, and sometimes he would ignore her and close himself off.
The insecurity that she felt from all this, became a spiral that amplified itself... and the more insecure she became, the more afraid she grew of “screwing things up” or “scaring him off”, by starting conversations or asking him if he was interested in her and why he didn't ask her out.
Plus, the more insecure she became, the less time he seemed to want to spend with her.
After spending days and nights obsessing over this guy, the woman finally arrived at the conclusion that if he only knew how SHE FELT, that he would feel the same way.
So she made a bold move.
She TOLD HIM how she felt.
She confessed her feelings and let him know that she wanted to be with him.
He responded by flirting with her and he spent some time alone with her, and they even kissed and held each other.
But soon after, he quickly withdrew, didn't call her and wasn't really “available” to her.
This only confused the woman more.
She didn't know how to take it...
Did it mean that he really loved her too, but that he was afraid of something?
Did it mean that he wasn't ready for a long-term relationship?
Did it mean that he didn't love her, and that he was trying to give her a hint?
Did it mean that she hadn't tried hard enough?
Did it mean that she needed to put everything on the line and REALLY let him know how she felt?
She finally decided that she couldn't go on like this anymore... she had to be with him.
She had to make sure that he knew just how much she wanted to be with him... so she took a big step, bought him a symbolic gift and wrote him a letter... again confessing her feelings.
And then, something unthinkable happened.
Either he didn't reply at all... (Ouch!)
Or he replied and she connected with him on an emotional and physical level for a brief time, but then he backed away.
Then she called him a couple of times, the following week before reaching him.
He made an excuse about being very busy and said, “I'll try to give you a call soon, I have to go”... and hung up... but she never got a call back.
Over the following months, the woman tried desperately to understand what went wrong... and what happened.
THE END...
OK, I'm back.
Now, wasn't that a sweet story?
Heartwarming, huh?
I know; I should keep my day job, and not take-up writing romance novels...
Now, let's talk about that story.
That story is basically a MYTH.
But I'm not talking about FICTION here.
I'm talking about a story that rings true for lots of women. A story that is timeless. A story that resonates at a deep level, because you can IDENTIFY with it.
And why does this particular story resonate for some women?
Because lots of women have been there in one way or another... at one time or another... and many have been there OFTEN in their lives.
Another thing that gives this particular story a lot of power, is the powerful negative emotions that it stirs... as a result of the powerful negative experiences that it brings back...
Stories and situations like this one, really FASCINATE me.
They fascinate me, because I see them as an opportunity to UNDERSTAND and SOLVE the puzzles that they represent.
In this particular situation, I think there is a solution.
It lies in understanding a SECRET that lots of WOMEN DON'T GET.
That secret comes down to the reality that if a man isn't ATTRACTED to a woman, all of her attempts to confess her love, convince him to like her and court her, BACKFIRE.
In other words, they not only DON'T WORK; they actually make things WORSE.
In other words, the very things that a woman does to try to make a man LIKE HER, make him NOT like her.
They make him run.
All of those great intentions and emotional dedication actually cause the woman feeling them, to do things that make the man go away.
It sucks!
But it's a strangely common dynamic, that also takes place inside dating situations and new relationships without women (or men) really being aware of it, and understanding what's going on.
And I hope that by explaining the process of how this happens to you, that I'll help you avoid this painful situation in your own future...
And maybe you can start to understand what's going on a little better, if you think about what it's like when a man you're NOT attracted to, desperately wants your attention, affection and your time.
Have you ever had a guy pursue you?
As he's trying to get your attention, approval and affection, all of his pleading and effort just seems to bug you more and make you want to get away.
Even if all he's doing, is telling you great things about yourself and how he feels about you?
Strange and interesting...
Choices And The Paradox Of Attraction
I'm always fascinated by the idea that we humans don't always understand the message that we're communicating to others...
So often we think that because we WANT to communicate a message, that others are going to NATURALLY understand what we're trying to say.
Have you ever seen a woman who dresses over-the-top sexy and wears way to much make-up?
Have you ever thought to yourself, “I don't think that her appearance is communicating the message to men that she thinks it is”...?
Yeah, I have too.
Well, here's the deal:
If you do something to “let a man know how you feel” ... but he isn't open to the situation at that time, or he isn't ATTRACTED to you, then it's going to backfire.
It's going to trigger a feeling for the man, that I like to call the “Instant Ewww”.
The “Instant Ewww” is just as powerful as the physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION.
Once a man feels it, YOU'RE DONE.
It's over.
It's like hammering a RAILROAD SPIKE into the coffin.
Once a man feels the “Instant Ewww”, he'll start behaving differently.
In short, he'll back off or even disappear.
So where did I get the concept of the “Instant Ewww”?
I got it from watching WOMEN.
I have actually heard SEVERAL women use the word “Ewww”, when describing how they felt about a guy that was “confessing his love”... and of course, these were guys that weren't loved in return by the woman.
Men do the same kind of thing with a woman they're not attracted to.
Often they try to be “nice” about it. They let the attention pump up their ego a bit, and then they create what is often an unconscious barrier in their mind, that closes off communication or contact with her.
And the resulting vacuum sound you hear, is what's happening as any ATTRACTION and interest he might have felt, evaporates.
So what causes the “Instant Ewww”?
And why would a man feel it, towards a woman who was trying to be nice... a woman who was giving him attention, a gift or telling him how she feels?
Because if you think about it from HIS perspective, you'll realize that the moment you do something to “confess”, you've created a TURNING POINT in the relationship.
Up until that point, you were harmless.
I mean, men know when they are getting some “special attention” from a woman.
And they usually know it from the beginning.
But now that you've started pursuing him and talking about how you feel, you've created a NEGATIVE TENSION that can be VERY uncomfortable.
You've triggered an emotion that can actually repel a man and make him even more detached from his emotions.
Here's the thing...
You can't “make a man like you” or “change how he feels about you”, by doing nice things for him.
Doing “nice” things for a man who isn't attracted to you, HURTS you. It backfires. Worse, it creates the “Instant Ewww” feeling, that makes it so he'll perhaps NEVER like you.
Men are the worst at this, by the way.
They make this mistake over and over again in life, because they're doing what MAKES SENSE to them. They're doing it, because they don't have an understanding of ATTRACTION.
I mean, if you have a friend and you like them, and you want to make them like you more... and you do some nice things for them, they will probably like you more.
On the other hand...
If you have a man that you “like” in a romantic way, and he doesn't “feel it” for you, and you do something nice for him, because you want HIM to like you more, it will BACKFIRE... and he will not only NOT like you more, but he will most likely distance himself from you.
Women think that they need to communicate verbally when they like a man... as if that's part of the necessary process of getting a guy.
In their minds, it goes like this:
Like him>Tell him you like him>He likes you
Well, remember... if you follow this pattern, yourself, with men who aren't already ATTRACTED to you, then it's going to BACKFIRE.
If he's not into you, then it goes like THIS:
He thinks of you as a friend>You tell him you like him>He gets the “Instant Ewwws” and withdraws...
THE ANSWER
There are really TWO answers to this problem.
The first answer, is what to do if you're in a situation where you like a particular guy, but you don't know if he likes you back.
DON'T GET HEAVY WITH HIM.
Don't buy him a big gift, do something nice to show him how much you think about him or write him a love letter...
Don't send him a note to his work that says, “From your secret admirer”.
Don't call him several times, without hearing from him.
And DON'T CONFESS YOUR LOVE for him.
If you want to know how he feels about you, do something to ATTRACT HIM and see how he reacts instead of telling him you love him and hearing the crickets chirp as you wait for his response.
As a rule of thumb, don't get heavier than HIM. Use SIGNALS from him to find out how he feels... and if you don't know how to read and create those signals, then LEARN.
Asking a man if he's interested in you in a romantic way, or if you are “his type”, will actually DESTROY the chances that his attraction and interest in you will grow.
Really.
The SECOND answer, is to not get into this particular situation in the FIRST PLACE. Avoid it entirely.
And how does one do that?
One does that by creating ATTRACTION from the beginning.
One does that by understanding the dynamics of how and why men have the physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION triggered.
One does that by knowing what you're doing FROM THE BEGINNING.
And what's the best way to learn THAT skill?
I thought you'd never ask...
Well, I've written about attraction before and I'll write about it again.
In my eBook, I talk about some of the very best ways to learn how to make man feel ATTRACTION for you.
But above and beyond the meeting and attracting men “stuff”, I also talk about how attraction, communication, psychology and emotions all play into the longer term “stuff” around dating, and creating a solid foundation for a future relationship.
In my eBook, I go deep inside the mind of a man to tell you the secrets and truths that lots of women will never know about.
The eBook is called “Catch Him And Keep Him”.
I've spent several years now, studying the ways that women (and men) who are “naturals”, communicate using their words, voice tone and body language.
The way they integrate all these, makes them MAGNETIC to be around. And you probably know what I'm talking about, if you know any women who seem “lucky in love”. Where everything involving men seems to come easily and effortlessly to them.
And I'll tell you... it's not magic.
You don't have to be gorgeous or young.
And you don't have to be LUCKY.
What you DO have to do is LEARN.
It's a skill, and I honestly believe that ANY woman can learn it if she wants.
But you're not likely to figure it out by “trial and error”. Many of the keys to making men feel ATTRACTION and want to be around you for the long-term aren't “obvious”, at all.
In fact, many of them make no sense... and they're the LAST thing you'd do in a particular situation, if you didn't know the SECRETS.
For more about these secrets, go check out my eBook.
It's jam-packed with insights, concepts, tips and secrets.
Go here to check it out:
Click Here For Your Free Newsletter And eBook Download
Thanks and best of luck in life and love.
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
©Copyright 2008, Catch Him Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright materials used by permission.
“Catch Him And Keep Him” and “Christian Carter”
are trademarks of Catch Him Inc.
With A Man by Christian Carter
I'd like to tell you a story...
It's a story that you might find strangely familiar. Don't be alarmed.
Once upon a time, there was a woman who was very attracted to a particular man.
At first, he was just another attractive man... but the more she got to know him, the more she began to feel attracted to him... and the more time she spent with him, the more that attraction grew into a deep emotional attachment and affection for him.
But there was one problem.
As her emotional attachment grew stronger and stronger, she also grew more and more insecure.
Why?
Because she couldn't tell whether or not he felt the same way towards her.
Sometimes he would talk to her and say things that led her to believe that they shared a special connection, but nothing ever progressed past the “friendship” stage.
There was an occasional glance, an occasional email or call from him... and a few times, he even opened up about something personal or emotional, and invited her “inside” for a little while.
But something was wrong with the picture.
He just wasn't acting like a man who was “falling in love”. He was acting like a friend, but at times, even more distant than a friend would be.
And things seemed to be hot and cold. Sometimes he would look at her and talk to her, and sometimes he would ignore her and close himself off.
The insecurity that she felt from all this, became a spiral that amplified itself... and the more insecure she became, the more afraid she grew of “screwing things up” or “scaring him off”, by starting conversations or asking him if he was interested in her and why he didn't ask her out.
Plus, the more insecure she became, the less time he seemed to want to spend with her.
After spending days and nights obsessing over this guy, the woman finally arrived at the conclusion that if he only knew how SHE FELT, that he would feel the same way.
So she made a bold move.
She TOLD HIM how she felt.
She confessed her feelings and let him know that she wanted to be with him.
He responded by flirting with her and he spent some time alone with her, and they even kissed and held each other.
But soon after, he quickly withdrew, didn't call her and wasn't really “available” to her.
This only confused the woman more.
She didn't know how to take it...
Did it mean that he really loved her too, but that he was afraid of something?
Did it mean that he wasn't ready for a long-term relationship?
Did it mean that he didn't love her, and that he was trying to give her a hint?
Did it mean that she hadn't tried hard enough?
Did it mean that she needed to put everything on the line and REALLY let him know how she felt?
She finally decided that she couldn't go on like this anymore... she had to be with him.
She had to make sure that he knew just how much she wanted to be with him... so she took a big step, bought him a symbolic gift and wrote him a letter... again confessing her feelings.
And then, something unthinkable happened.
Either he didn't reply at all... (Ouch!)
Or he replied and she connected with him on an emotional and physical level for a brief time, but then he backed away.
Then she called him a couple of times, the following week before reaching him.
He made an excuse about being very busy and said, “I'll try to give you a call soon, I have to go”... and hung up... but she never got a call back.
Over the following months, the woman tried desperately to understand what went wrong... and what happened.
THE END...
OK, I'm back.
Now, wasn't that a sweet story?
Heartwarming, huh?
I know; I should keep my day job, and not take-up writing romance novels...
Now, let's talk about that story.
That story is basically a MYTH.
But I'm not talking about FICTION here.
I'm talking about a story that rings true for lots of women. A story that is timeless. A story that resonates at a deep level, because you can IDENTIFY with it.
And why does this particular story resonate for some women?
Because lots of women have been there in one way or another... at one time or another... and many have been there OFTEN in their lives.
Another thing that gives this particular story a lot of power, is the powerful negative emotions that it stirs... as a result of the powerful negative experiences that it brings back...
Stories and situations like this one, really FASCINATE me.
They fascinate me, because I see them as an opportunity to UNDERSTAND and SOLVE the puzzles that they represent.
In this particular situation, I think there is a solution.
It lies in understanding a SECRET that lots of WOMEN DON'T GET.
That secret comes down to the reality that if a man isn't ATTRACTED to a woman, all of her attempts to confess her love, convince him to like her and court her, BACKFIRE.
In other words, they not only DON'T WORK; they actually make things WORSE.
In other words, the very things that a woman does to try to make a man LIKE HER, make him NOT like her.
They make him run.
All of those great intentions and emotional dedication actually cause the woman feeling them, to do things that make the man go away.
It sucks!
But it's a strangely common dynamic, that also takes place inside dating situations and new relationships without women (or men) really being aware of it, and understanding what's going on.
And I hope that by explaining the process of how this happens to you, that I'll help you avoid this painful situation in your own future...
And maybe you can start to understand what's going on a little better, if you think about what it's like when a man you're NOT attracted to, desperately wants your attention, affection and your time.
Have you ever had a guy pursue you?
As he's trying to get your attention, approval and affection, all of his pleading and effort just seems to bug you more and make you want to get away.
Even if all he's doing, is telling you great things about yourself and how he feels about you?
Strange and interesting...
Choices And The Paradox Of Attraction
I'm always fascinated by the idea that we humans don't always understand the message that we're communicating to others...
So often we think that because we WANT to communicate a message, that others are going to NATURALLY understand what we're trying to say.
Have you ever seen a woman who dresses over-the-top sexy and wears way to much make-up?
Have you ever thought to yourself, “I don't think that her appearance is communicating the message to men that she thinks it is”...?
Yeah, I have too.
Well, here's the deal:
If you do something to “let a man know how you feel” ... but he isn't open to the situation at that time, or he isn't ATTRACTED to you, then it's going to backfire.
It's going to trigger a feeling for the man, that I like to call the “Instant Ewww”.
The “Instant Ewww” is just as powerful as the physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION.
Once a man feels it, YOU'RE DONE.
It's over.
It's like hammering a RAILROAD SPIKE into the coffin.
Once a man feels the “Instant Ewww”, he'll start behaving differently.
In short, he'll back off or even disappear.
So where did I get the concept of the “Instant Ewww”?
I got it from watching WOMEN.
I have actually heard SEVERAL women use the word “Ewww”, when describing how they felt about a guy that was “confessing his love”... and of course, these were guys that weren't loved in return by the woman.
Men do the same kind of thing with a woman they're not attracted to.
Often they try to be “nice” about it. They let the attention pump up their ego a bit, and then they create what is often an unconscious barrier in their mind, that closes off communication or contact with her.
And the resulting vacuum sound you hear, is what's happening as any ATTRACTION and interest he might have felt, evaporates.
So what causes the “Instant Ewww”?
And why would a man feel it, towards a woman who was trying to be nice... a woman who was giving him attention, a gift or telling him how she feels?
Because if you think about it from HIS perspective, you'll realize that the moment you do something to “confess”, you've created a TURNING POINT in the relationship.
Up until that point, you were harmless.
I mean, men know when they are getting some “special attention” from a woman.
And they usually know it from the beginning.
But now that you've started pursuing him and talking about how you feel, you've created a NEGATIVE TENSION that can be VERY uncomfortable.
You've triggered an emotion that can actually repel a man and make him even more detached from his emotions.
Here's the thing...
You can't “make a man like you” or “change how he feels about you”, by doing nice things for him.
Doing “nice” things for a man who isn't attracted to you, HURTS you. It backfires. Worse, it creates the “Instant Ewww” feeling, that makes it so he'll perhaps NEVER like you.
Men are the worst at this, by the way.
They make this mistake over and over again in life, because they're doing what MAKES SENSE to them. They're doing it, because they don't have an understanding of ATTRACTION.
I mean, if you have a friend and you like them, and you want to make them like you more... and you do some nice things for them, they will probably like you more.
On the other hand...
If you have a man that you “like” in a romantic way, and he doesn't “feel it” for you, and you do something nice for him, because you want HIM to like you more, it will BACKFIRE... and he will not only NOT like you more, but he will most likely distance himself from you.
Women think that they need to communicate verbally when they like a man... as if that's part of the necessary process of getting a guy.
In their minds, it goes like this:
Like him>Tell him you like him>He likes you
Well, remember... if you follow this pattern, yourself, with men who aren't already ATTRACTED to you, then it's going to BACKFIRE.
If he's not into you, then it goes like THIS:
He thinks of you as a friend>You tell him you like him>He gets the “Instant Ewwws” and withdraws...
THE ANSWER
There are really TWO answers to this problem.
The first answer, is what to do if you're in a situation where you like a particular guy, but you don't know if he likes you back.
DON'T GET HEAVY WITH HIM.
Don't buy him a big gift, do something nice to show him how much you think about him or write him a love letter...
Don't send him a note to his work that says, “From your secret admirer”.
Don't call him several times, without hearing from him.
And DON'T CONFESS YOUR LOVE for him.
If you want to know how he feels about you, do something to ATTRACT HIM and see how he reacts instead of telling him you love him and hearing the crickets chirp as you wait for his response.
As a rule of thumb, don't get heavier than HIM. Use SIGNALS from him to find out how he feels... and if you don't know how to read and create those signals, then LEARN.
Asking a man if he's interested in you in a romantic way, or if you are “his type”, will actually DESTROY the chances that his attraction and interest in you will grow.
Really.
The SECOND answer, is to not get into this particular situation in the FIRST PLACE. Avoid it entirely.
And how does one do that?
One does that by creating ATTRACTION from the beginning.
One does that by understanding the dynamics of how and why men have the physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION triggered.
One does that by knowing what you're doing FROM THE BEGINNING.
And what's the best way to learn THAT skill?
I thought you'd never ask...
Well, I've written about attraction before and I'll write about it again.
In my eBook, I talk about some of the very best ways to learn how to make man feel ATTRACTION for you.
But above and beyond the meeting and attracting men “stuff”, I also talk about how attraction, communication, psychology and emotions all play into the longer term “stuff” around dating, and creating a solid foundation for a future relationship.
In my eBook, I go deep inside the mind of a man to tell you the secrets and truths that lots of women will never know about.
The eBook is called “Catch Him And Keep Him”.
I've spent several years now, studying the ways that women (and men) who are “naturals”, communicate using their words, voice tone and body language.
The way they integrate all these, makes them MAGNETIC to be around. And you probably know what I'm talking about, if you know any women who seem “lucky in love”. Where everything involving men seems to come easily and effortlessly to them.
And I'll tell you... it's not magic.
You don't have to be gorgeous or young.
And you don't have to be LUCKY.
What you DO have to do is LEARN.
It's a skill, and I honestly believe that ANY woman can learn it if she wants.
But you're not likely to figure it out by “trial and error”. Many of the keys to making men feel ATTRACTION and want to be around you for the long-term aren't “obvious”, at all.
In fact, many of them make no sense... and they're the LAST thing you'd do in a particular situation, if you didn't know the SECRETS.
For more about these secrets, go check out my eBook.
It's jam-packed with insights, concepts, tips and secrets.
Go here to check it out:
Click Here For Your Free Newsletter And eBook Download
Thanks and best of luck in life and love.
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
©Copyright 2008, Catch Him Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright materials used by permission.
“Catch Him And Keep Him” and “Christian Carter”
are trademarks of Catch Him Inc.
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