By Christian Carter
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This time I'm responding to an email I got from a woman who recently bought my ebook.
I think you'll “feel her pain” and see why I wanted to respond to her.
She's going through that dreaded situation I've seen lots of women deal with where she was dating a guy and became “physical” with him, but then he quickly pulled away.
Want to know what's going on with a man in this situation and what he's thinking?
And what to do about it?
>>>> Question From A Reader
I've just bought your book.... I'm from Thailand and I appreciated your book so much. Unfortunately, I read the lesson about Thinking in Time Frames where you taught how to let a man wait for sex... but I've already made that mistake and had sex with him. I want a more serious relationship and I told him afterwards, but as you told me he would, he became impatient when we talked and it made me so frustrated and upset.
Now he's acting distant. So, what should I do to rewire our relationship and make him see my worth?
I feel so disappointed about my actions.
Christian, please help me...
J from Thailand
>>>> My Response
I want to give you a big hug... and then a good SLAP.
Ok, listen closely.
I'm about to share something with you that I want you to NEVER, EVER forget.
It's the reality about how most men work when dating.
A man will NEVER see your “worth” just because he's having sex with you.
It sucks, but that's the way men act sometimes.
And guess what?
You're dating a man.
So let me be very clear here:
Just because a man has sex with a woman, it doesn't mean that he's spent even a second of his time deciding whether or not he wants to be with her in the future.
Because even though you've already moved on to how you're going to settle down together, he hasn't even decided if he wants to try anything “serious” out with you.
Sure, it would be great if a man let you know this before he slept with you, but that's not reality most of the time.
And I'm willing to bet you played a part in this.
You're not entirely innocent.
Were you up-front and honest about what you were looking for?
Or did your true feelings sneak up on you, freak you out, and then freak him out too?
GIVING AWAY YOUR “SELF” TO A MAN
I've got an important question for you...
Who made this guy the final judge of your “worth” as a woman?
Cut it out.
And I'll bet I know WHY you did it.
I'm going to get a bit “deep” and “spiritual” here with you, all in the name of tough love.
You're seeking his APPROVAL in the worst kind of way.
You're waiting and wanting HIM to show YOU that you deserve the experience of open and unrestrained love.
You're counting on him to be the strong and masculine lover you've always wanted, who will break through the barriers in both of your hearts.
That way you can SURRENDER to the deep kind of love that you truly desire from a man.
Unfortunately, that's not what's happening or how he FEELS with you right now.
But deep down, you believe that if you can come up with enough “proof” that he should love and value you, and if you can make things “perfect” between you two, then he'll become the open and loving man you imagine him to be.
It's time for the little girl who's seeking a man's approval in order to experience love to grow up.
It's time for you to stop hoping that a man will become the man you want him to be, when he shows you that he doesn't even have a clue about what love is or how to be with a woman.
But you're so wrapped up in his perspective, what he's doing, his feelings, his emotions and his desires (or lack thereof) that you've all but forgotten about something WAY MORE IMPORTANT.
What YOU really want.
I'll take a wild guess here and bet that the kind of guy that you truly want isn't the kind of guy who would act how this guy is acting.
As in, the kind of guy who would sleep with a woman and then act distant and irritated with her just because she wants to talk about how she's feeling.
So, sorry for asking but...
What the h#ll are you doing!?
You're wasting your energy trying to get the love and approval of someone who acts like a person you don't even want to be with!?
Ok, now that we've verbally smacked you around a little bit, we can move on from what NOT to do, to learning what to do.
LOVE, SEX AND THE MIND OF THE “MASCULINE MAN”
You need a lesson on who a man really is.
There are FASCINATING biological reasons for why men act the way they do.
But the reasons that are the most important for you to understand right now aren't the “scientific” ones.
I'm going to get a tiny bit “out there” right now, but stick with me...
There's a big difference between what I'll call the “masculine” energy and the “feminine” love or energy.
Pay careful attention here.
The feminine energy grows with fullness, praise, connection and love, to allow a kind of “surrender” in all kinds of joyful experiences.
With sex, women surrender to the experience with a man through love and connection, which can make the man and woman as one.
But the masculine energy doesn't work this way. At least not in the “darker” part of a man.
The masculine energy is VERY different.
The masculine energy seeks to break through challenges all alone and arrive at its desire - “emptiness” and “freedom”.
Have you ever heard a man talk about how he wanted his “freedom”... and you wondered what the hell he was talking about?
And you could tell that he didn't even really know what he meant by his “freedom”.
This “freedom” or emptiness is actually the masculine means of surrender and fulfillment.
Just as the feminine means is connection and loving.
Ever noticed that lots of men fall right to sleep or act like they're off somewhere else after sex?
There are tons of pop-culture references to men doing this in TV, movies, books, etc.
People know that men often behave this way.
It's “conventional wisdom”.
But most people don't really know WHY men act this way.
Here's my favorite way of explaining it...
Have you ever thought about why so many men have a strong addiction to watching sports events.
Well, each game is setup in a specific way that draws a man's emotions into the experience.
At the center of each game is a person or a team that rises up to overcome.
It's a kind of trial where a man will break through hardship, competition and challenge.
And when a team or player scores a goal or a touchdown and celebrates, something fascinating takes place.
The man “breaks through” the challenge into “freedom” and the final emptiness of victory.
Then the men will celebrate as though their greatest desires have been fulfilled and cry out as they never have before.
Bizarre and fascinating...
Ok, back to Earth.
How does this relate to dating, sex and love?
With sex, a man doesn't “surrender” to love and connection the way a woman does... unless he learns to.
** And yes, a man can and should learn how to surrender himself with his woman to love **
But instead, men often seek the physical challenge of sex as a goal unto itself, where they can break through to a temporary “freedom” and emptiness.
Whoa... Heavy stuff.
Here's the point, in case you don't like talking in myths and metaphors.
But first, don't go telling this story to the man you're dating or with out of the blue.
He will think you're CRAZY - unless he's the kind of guy that's already on a more spiritual kind of “path”.
This is for YOU to know and to work with.
So back to you....
Notice that in physical experiences with women, or in life for that matter, most men don't have the same strong drive to be deeply and unwaveringly CONNECTED to the people around them like most healthy women do.
Often times, they're driven by something that has nothing to do with love, intimacy and connection.
Yeah, I know. Men are CRAZY and messed up and different.
But men don't have to be bizarre and strange this way if they LEARN and become AWARE.
If they have a woman who gets it, she can lead and challenge him into finding freedom through love and connected experience, not through empty physical experience and isolation.
LET'S TIE IT ALL TOGETHER
Here's the thing...
A man will NEVER see you exactly the way you want him to see you, or value you exactly the way you know you should be valued, if... you're doing things just to seek and win his love and APPROVAL.
Yes, you might have “goofed” by being physical with him too early.
But stop being so hard on yourself. It's the past, and it's not the problem now.
The real problem now is something entirely different.
Sleeping or being physical with a man is NOT a bad thing.
Trust me. wink, wink.
But you've got to create the right feelings within him before and during the experience of being together for it to truly bring you closer in love.
Sorry, but just being there isn't going to do it and reach a man's heart.
Wow, I just realized... men are actually so high-maintenance.
So you want to know how to “re-wire” things?
Here's what to do first:
Stop wanting the fact that you've had sex to magically win him over into being an open and loving partner like you are.
Then go back and read the section in my book inside Chapter 8 called “Triggering A Deeper Level Of Attraction In A Man”.
What you need to know is there.
(and read, re-read and put it to use this time!)
But let's keep going and I'll touch on a few of the same points that are in there.
Ever thought about what a man really wants in a woman to date or fall in love with?
I'm talking about mature, healthy men here.
** They want someone that they WANT **
They want to WANT a woman, to worship her, to please her, to ravish her, and to sweep her off her feet with their physical and emotional presence.
And for the woman to be utterly and completely taken with them and what they do.
I'm sure you've seen or heard this kind of male fairy tale before.
So why don't men just act this way with women if this is what they want?
Ahhh... welcome to dating.
Because most women don't create the experience that will make a man FEEL this way.
So here's a “center-piece” of the puzzle...
I call it the “Pursuit Gene”.
There's a drive in men that makes them want to be CHALLENGED... and to overcome that challenge.
I know it sounds cliché, but it's true.
Remember the “spiritual” story from earlier?
Men want to be challenged by the idea of meeting, attracting, and pursuing a woman.
And then they want to win the woman over and feel stronger as a man for having done it.
Men deal with this in one of two ways:
1. They find more “freedom” and emptiness by physically being with a woman in the short term
2. They find connection and love by physically AND emotionally being with the woman in a deeper and “longer-term” way
Here's the AMAZING part...
A woman helps him choose which it will be with her.
The point is, men LOVE the chase.
Some men might tell you that they don't.
Men love the chase and the challenge not in their “logical” minds, but down where it counts.
They love it in their FEELINGS and EMOTIONS.
It's part of their genetic make-up.
But if a woman loses control emotionally, seeks HIS APPROVAL or thinks she can trade sex to receive love before a man's experiencing an intense desire to WIN HER OVER and to be with her, then something bad happens.
The man loses that feeling of excitement and challenge with her.
He recognizes that the woman has already given over physical and emotional CONTROL to him.
Which destroys the strongest “lead-in” to creating lasting love with a man.
It's just one simple word.
Men want to feel ATTRACTION.
And I don't mean that they want to talk about it or analyze it so that it makes “sense”.
They don't want to listen to what a woman tells them is going on and then come to accept and understand how and why they should be in love.
No. That's not how men work.
Instead, they want to FEEL their desire for a woman inside their whole body, emotionally driving them, and for it to be undeniable and unrelenting.
Get where I'm going here?
If you don't make a man FEEL ATTRACTION for you and trigger the emotional desire deep inside him to win you over and be with you for the long term, then there's no amount of talking, sharing, or SEX that can change his mind.
In my ebook “Catch Him & Keep Him” I talk about the VERY BEST ways to create great experiences and situations with men.
Experiences and situations that will make a man respond to a woman with INTENSE DESIRE and ATTRACTION.
And not just in the “empty” physical sense, but instead with more deeply connected feelings.
Chapter 9 of the book is titled “From Casual To Committed - Communication Secrets with Men & New Relationships”.
In it are some of my very best ideas on how to build the right “emotional environment” for a man to feel addicted to the love, connection and attraction you share.
He'll wonder why he didn't find you and figure out how to be in love sooner.
Check out the details here:
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Thanks and best of luck in life and love.