By Carlos Xuma
The TRUTH About How to Approach Women...
QUESTION ABOUT FEAR OF APPROACHING WOMEN:
My understandings on women have changed a lot since I read your books and I have read them several times. I am trying to be the Alpha Man which you insisted we (men) all have to be. I am working on it and to tell you the truth I do feel about better about myself.
But, despite reading all your articles, I still get scared to death when I approach women, my thoughts just turn from Alpha to Beta within seconds and I just can't do anything although I already at least have a plan of how I'll get them engaged into the conversation. There are these thoughts and strange stomach feelings which start building up when I start approaching them to talk.
Now I am at home, just got back from a New Years party, sad, depressed and ashamed of myself. I cannot express in words how bad I am feeling now after having seen all those beautiful women in the party but could still not do anything...
I realise this is affecting my life because I feel lonely and this is not a problem I can talk to anyone to feel better, what's even worse is my close ones do not even try to understand what my problem is.
I can change to become or at least pretend that I am an Alpha Man but the moment I see an attractive woman this all disappears and I come back to being a beta.
I am writing this e-mail to you probably because no one understands this awful problem of mine better than you.
Did you ever find yourself in this situation? If yes then what did you do to overcome this?
Reading, United Kingdom
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS ABOUT APPROACH ANXIETY:
Well, first of all, let me tell you that the experience you are having is a common one for many guys.
When I say "many," I really mean MOST every single guy out there.
So when you try to explain to other guys what you're experiencing, many of them simply DENY that it is even happening. It's crazy, but most guys don't want other guys knowing that they feel fear approaching and talking to women.
It seems un-manly. And it can really be completely humiliating.
I know - I had a TOUGH time admitting it when I had this problem. (Yes, I have had this experience hundreds of times in the past.)
It's funny, but most guys have this epiphany over the New Years holiday that they are not getting the success they feel they should with women.
It's emphasized by the fact that they don't have a date for the party they went to, and then it's really punched into their gut when they don't come home with a number from any of the women they met.
When midnight comes on New Years and everyone else is hugging and kissing their sweetheart, you feel like the loneliest guy on the planet for being ... well, the only one without a girl.
I hated that feeling, and it really pissed me off that I could be in a room full of pretty women and not be able to talk to ANY of them.
I'd stand with my drink in my hand and PRAY that one of them would come over and talk to me, but that never happened. Some other guy would always approach her while I was trying to think up some clever opening line.
"Let me tell you what Approach Anxiety really is..."
Approach anxiety is that sensation you have when you're about to approach a woman, but there's this little voice in your head that stops you dead in your tracks and keeps you from walking over to her.
It's just like the feeling you had when you were a kid and you knew you were in trouble and had to go to the principle's office, or go home to your angry parents.
(Isn't it weird how your senses are all on alert when you're in an approach situation? It's almost like being in a different dimension...)
This feeling is simply known as DREAD.
You're almost completely paralyzed by your own brain, but the worst part is that you don't even really THINK anything when you're trying to just say something - anything - to her.
(I'm getting freaked out as I type this, because I'm remembering the sensation - and just how much it really SUCKS.)
Approach anxiety is something I call a "Compound Emotion." This is an emotion that is so complex and complicated that you can't figure out where it's coming from or how to deal with it.
They get all mixed up in your head, and you have no idea how to overcome it to do what your mind wants to do, but some other part of you is short-circuiting.
In fact it's so complex that I can't possibly overcome this for you in a simple newsletter, but I can give you some tips...
First, start to really monitor that feeling in your body when you get ready to approach a woman. I'll bet that you feel the same things every time, and if you can start to recognize the sensation in your body first, you'll have your first alarm that you can sense when it's about to go off.
If you can sense the feeling before it comes on, you can stop it before it paralyzes you. Just like taking some Vitamin C tablets or echinacea extract to prevent a cold that you feel coming on.
"Everything begins with AWARENESS..."
Next, start to plan how you'll get started in interactions with women. You're probably blowing yourself out because you're trying to run before you can even walk.
Your goal is just to talk with her at first, for just a minute or two. Keep it LOW anxiety.
You need a couple good openers to get you started.
One that I use quite a bit is this:
"Hey... You know, you have a really nice energy about you. I just had to come over and let you know."
Now that is fantastic for getting a woman to open up, because you're giving value to HER instead of just "pickup" lines that don't do anything but scream out "pickup artist."
I personally use that one all the time, and it has never failed to start a conversation.
(By the way, if you'd like more openers like this, please read on for the link below to my bonus article...)
Do you ever feel like you're at a loss when it comes to approaching women and getting them interested in you - romantically?
Read the next couple paragraphs carefully, because what I'm about to tell you has a DIRECT IMPACT ON YOUR LIFE...
"Women are attracted to several KEY behaviors in men..."
These are things that many guys don't know are attractive to women because it goes against what they think of as "nice."
The ideas I've just discussed in the letter above are what I consider to be essential behaviors to incorporate in your identity. These are a critical part of dating success with women.
Most guys spend no time improving their approach skills with women, and they end up chickening out when the time is right to approach a woman they're interested in. They'd rather sit back and talk about what they WOULD do, but not actually muster up the courage to go and really DO IT.
I'm going to tell you a little secret:
I used to be the same way. I remember fondly going to a bar in Kansas City (where I was living at the time) and being so desperate to meet someone that I pulled out a business card, found a woman that looked attractive, and I handed it to her saying, "Excuse me, I think you dropped this."
What chance did that have of working?
About zero. Because even if she did find it cute and endearing that I tried, it was a pitifully indirect method of expressing my interest.
And it didn't work. (If you'd like to read the whole story of my fateful and horrible approach skills back then, you can go read about it at the link I'm going to give you...)
"That failure was the last straw for me..."
I was fed up, and I'd had ENOUGH.
If you're like me, you know that approach anxiety doesn't get better without learning some new skills and techniques to overcome my fears. It simply will NOT get better on its own...
In fact - it usually gets MUCH WORSE over time. It's a lot like social cancer to a man's life. That sounds brutal, but it's true.
I made a decision right then that lasted me a lifetime. I decided that - do or die - I was going to learn how to approach women, how to talk to women, and how to get her interested in me.
No matter WHAT it took.
I started watching other guys, trying out my own stuff, seeing what worked and what didn't, and I everything I learned down.
Now, a couple years ago, I took all that information and I put it all together into something that was designed to get guys past all these hurdles.
I know what it's like to sit there feeling like you can't talk to that hot woman in the bar, or the attractive store clerk you'd like to ask for her number.
I know how it feels in your stomach to go through this every time you see a woman you want to approach.
Now you can finally fix this...
Get the answer you have been looking for here