Sunday, October 01, 2006

Do women want a nice guy?

I just came back from having a drink with two very attractive female friends, Jessica and Susan. While watching football, the conversation revolved around what women want in a man, the "nice guy" or the "bad boy." Susan said "all women will say that they want a nice guy, but the truth is that they really want the bad boy. We are just wired for that."

Shortly after a "bad boy type" walked by and Jessica perked up in her seat as if she saw some candy. She then showed me some pictures of her ex and a guy she is kind of dating. Once again they had that "bad boy look." So the crux of the conversation was that women will say they want a nice guy, and they do, but not always. They want a challenge, and want a man to put them in their place at times. They do not want a doormat. This made me think of another personal experience that may explain why a woman went from cursing at me to wanting to kiss me.

About 8 months ago I did a mingle at the Cats Meow (now closed). Two women came in and said they were just dropping something off to the bartender and would not be staying, therefore did not want to pay the cover charge. About 40 minutes later I noticed they were mingling with the participants from the event. I approached them and told them that they were welcome to stay, but would have to pay the cover charge like everyone else. This resulted in a shouting match that turned ugly when one woman told me to stick the cover charge up my a**.

I am usually very polite at my events, but this was going to be an exception to that rule. Curses were flying and the shouting got heated. Rather than make any more of a scene, I backed off and went to find the manager. She told me the ladies were personal friends of hers and that the bar would take care of the cover, so I let it go. About 40 minutes later I approached the woman from the shouting match to clear the air, so everyone could enjoy the rest of the night. The next thing I know, this woman tries to kiss me. An hour earlier we were cursing at each other and now she wants to kiss me?

One last Example also took place at the Cats Meow at a single mingle on a different night. There was a gorgeous woman in attendance and I was running around like a nut making sure people were mingling. Whereas every guy was trying to talk to her, I basically ignored her because I was just so busy. Eventually things calmed down and we made eye contact, so I went over to see if she was having a good time. The next thing I knew we were sitting on the couch talking and she leaned over and said "you are a heartbreaker, aren't you"? A minute later she attacked me on the couch.

Hmm, I said to myself, this makes no friggin sense. I essentially ignored her most of the night and did not show any interest. How is this a turn on? But it was!! So what happened?? We talked on the phone a few days later and she came to see me at an event the following week.

Unfortunately I had caught a very bad cold and was under the weather, but she came to see me none the less. I knew I was not going to be able to kiss her because I was sick, so I went and bought a bag full of hershey kisses. She hung out with me for a few hours and the chemistry was amazing. Towards the end of the night I said "I knew I would want to kiss you, but I am sick, so here are your kisses anyway", and I gave her the choclate kisses. I could almost see a tear in her eye and she said, "that was so sweet."

So what happened??? I never saw her again and she totally blew me off. She lost her attraction for me because I was too much of a nice guy way too soon. Counter intuitive?? You bet ya.



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21 comments:

Fran said...

I always thought I wanted a nice guy but I have to tell you, I honestly believe now that I don't. Every time I meet a nice guy I find something about him that turns me off. I fully believe that I like the challenge of a bad boy and that the nice guy just makes it easy and uneventful if that makes any sense. I've dated this wonderful man about 3 times now and he couldn't be any nicer but...So, I totally agree with your friend Susan who feels that all women think they want a nice guy but the truth is we don't.

Anonymous said...

I think it depends on the age bracket. Younger women(and men)enjoy the 'thrill of the chase'. We all want something(or someone) we can't have. When we reach a maturity level, we realize that we do want a 'nice guy' someone we can hang with without the continued frustration that the 'bad boys' can bring. So all you 'nice guys' hang in there. One thing though....there is a difference between 'nice guy'and 'nerd'. We don't want to have to dress you and tell you how to act.or be embarrassed to be with you because you don't think it's important to change your shirt after three days...Men are choosier than women when it comes to this, but we have our limits too.

Anonymous said...

Your story was funny Jay, lol. I think women do respect men who stand up to them and don't just want a "yes dear" type. They don't necessarily want a bum or an abuser, not sure what "bad boy" implies, but they do want a man to take charge now and then and not just go along with their agenda. A man with a plan is very sexy, but a guy who is too agreeable can be boring. I think this is because woman work in higher pressure jobs these days and have to make a lot of decisions, so they don't want to have to call all the shots in their personal lives as well. I think a guy can be nice without being a pushover. Either way, I think there still must be a little attraction, no matter how nice or challenging the guy is in order for it to work out.

Anonymous said...

I dated a "nice guy". He still professes his love for me. He was so nice & predictable that it became boring. I recently dated a "bad boy". He was a biker & a risk taker. He was undependable & unpredictable, but was surely exciting! I enjoyed my summer with him, but knew he was not someone I wanted to spend my life with. It would have brought heartache & pain. I'm still confused as to why I was attracted to him. I think it must be true that we really want the challenge of the bad boy!!!

Anonymous said...

Nobody always goes along with everything their partner says. So, if someone pretends to do that he is lying in wait for the day to rebel. If you want someone who adds something to your life it won't be someone who just goes along with everything you do. And some of these "nice" guys aren't that nice. They come with a bunch of rules and regulations. They fit you into a box. They don't accept you for who you are. They criticize if you drink, or smoke or say something that doesn't match their point of view. They're picky. They say she's not good enough for me. They think because they have a car and a job and a house that you HAVE TO date them? That's pretty full of themselves. What exactly does NICE entail?

Anonymous said...

Oh the bad boy - I still can't get him out of my system - he usually calls at the last minute & says can you meet me in 1/2 hr - if you protest he says,"What's the big deal - i told you during the week we would get together over the weekend". But you are drawn to him, so you go - he is charming, attractive in his own cocky way, flirtatious, dresses/smells good without much effort though, but always keeps you guessing - he is also very complimentary and makes you feel "special", although you suspect deep down that you are not the only "special" female in his life. There is no predictability to him - one day he will call you, the next time it will be a text when you least expect it, or an email when you thought you had heard the last from him. He refuses to be pinned down & doesn't like to be questioned too much - says he really likes you because you are cool & modern and can handle this type of relationship - do not show any neediness - it will send him running - so instead you constantly stress over this "relationship" to your friends, but when you're around him you are always cool & calm. Never make plans too far in advance, because he will probably forget about them, but then again he may surprise you and show up - eventually I will tire of this bad boy & want to settle down with someone more mature and less self-centered, preferably a good guy with a little bit of an edge.

Anonymous said...

With reference to this description of the "bad boy".....

"Oh the bad boy - I still can't get him out of my system - he usually calls at the last minute & says can you meet me in 1/2 hr - if you protest he says,"What's the big deal - i told you during the week we would get together over the weekend"..........etc.........

How does one account for a WOMAN that behaves EXACTLY this same way ?

Recently had this uncomfotable experience which shocked me as I never anticipated a woman would be capable of such seeemingly Male behavior.

Question to the ladies:
How does one handle the "bad girls" ?

Anonymous said...

I believe that young women want bad boys. I think that it takes some growing and maturing to realize that when you have a good man, a truly, kind, non-cheating type, you don't let him go. Yes, when a woman is in her twenties and she wants a "challenge", (whatever that means), it is because a woman in her twenties has men laying at her feet and she usually wants the one who is not "adoring". When a woman gets older, she realizes that she does not want to have to "fight" to win the man. She wants the adoring one.

Anonymous said...

To the guy who referenced my original post: "Oh the bad boy - I still can't get him out of my system - he usually calls at the last minute & says can you meet me in 1/2 hr - if you protest he says,"What's the big deal - i told you during the week we would get together over the weekend"..........etc.........

Now you are dealing with women that act like this - guess what? I act like this now too sometimes because of dealing with this type of behavior from men. It does become mentally exhausting, however, from my point of view, I am just recently divorced after many years of marriage, so I am exploring all my options. Maybe the women you are running into are in the same boat, just newly single and really wanting to experience it all right now. I know my friend who has been divorced 6 years is sick of the dating scene and is looking to settle down into a more permanent relationship. I think it's really important also to be upfront with women when you date them a few times & ask them what exactly they are looking for. If you can both be upfront it will save alot of your time and aggravation. For now, my bad boy works for me, because I do not feel tied down, but ultimately it is emotionally empty and not a very gratifying relationship. Good Luck!

judy said...

I know I DO!!!.. I need one after the last guy I dated Its been 5 years of pain, and now I have some trust issues that I never had in my life but after my last Mr. WONDERFUL I have apparently developed them. He was with me for 4 years, he was separated and was planning a life with me. I went through the death of his mother, loss of his job, and many other emotional events that bonded us together. BUT while I was waiting for him to meet me at my best friends wedding (he was to escort me into the hall) A good friend called me and told me that his car was at his old house all weekend. Needless to say I was not pleased. I went home packed up all the things he gave me and sent them to him via cab to him at his house. The driver called me to confirm the delivery and stated that he handed him the things right in front of a lady who said What the hell is this stuff, Have you been dating someone else?? We are married!! Apparently we were both played. My X contacted me the next day and said " how could you do this to me? I said how could I do this to you, are you kiddig me? I said how could you do this to me? and her??? to women you claimed to have loved. He stated that we needed to talk. (I am sure he said this to her too) I said there is nothing absolutely nothing to talk about and that was the last time I spoke with him. IT WAS 5 YEARS AGO..... I haven't dated since. and no I dont know if they stayed together. I really don't want to know. Its better this way.

SO IF THERE ARE ANY NICE GUYS OUT THERE PLEASE SEND THEM MY WAY I WILL GLADLY TAKE THEM......Judy

Anonymous said...

Riddle me this:

What is so attractive about someone who is unreliable, disrespectful, and inconsiderate?
what is so cool about a guy who is inherently Misogynistic?

If you are all wrapped up in the "bad boy" image, then quit complaining everytime you get stood up at the last minute or he cheats on you with your best girlfriend.

If you want a challenge, play Sudoku.

Chloe said...

That last comment about Sudoku was quite funny--and very true! I believe a more mature, perhaps established woman, who has zero time for mind games will want someone who is reliable, respectful--yet a challenge. Guys--guess what? You can be nice...but naughty at the same time. However, in order to do this--you must be creative, take the initiative and have a playful side. A bad boy can convince you take off from work--and go skinny dipping that same day! A nerd would have a problem with that. A confident man doesn't fidget with his fingers at the end of the night--he knows how to approach a woman to the point where that woman will initiate the first kiss! That's right...nice and boring? No thanks...naughty, but level-headed--why not. There is a fine line between both of these types. Oh and by the way, calling a woman (that has it all together and is attractive with a full social life?), to make plans at the very last minute--doesn't work guys...it makes a woman feel as though she is an after thought...not good for the ego. Yes, we women have egos too.

Anonymous said...

Hello Chloe, guys are not tightrope walkers and don't look forward to walking a "fine lines" anymore that women do. The bottom line is women that choose bad boys loose their right to gripe and complain. If a woman has a guy who truly cares for her and happens to be 'nice', 'nerdy', or whatever, she either accepts him as she would like to be or come to the realization that she needs to find herself before anyone else and leave guys alone until then.

Melissa said...

I have been going with a bad boy for seven years now, he is super bad, head biker etc. Fits the whole stereotype.

The thing is I get upset when he hurts me, I wish he wouldn't be a womenizer, I wish he wouldn't lie so much, I wish he wouldn't rage so easily... and when I get hurt I get vindictive, he has no idea how much he has suffered because of me. I have to do it so he doesn't find out it's me because he is physically very strong and I don't want him to hurt me or to leave me.

I actually do care for him. I take pity on him till he makes me upset again. Then we go through it all over again.

This is not good for either of us, we are now both getting help.

Anonymous said...

^ I guess I'll never understand the minds of women. I don't see how being a 'bad boy' can even be remotely attractive for most women. If you truly seek a respectable man than the obvious choice would be to go for the 'nice guy' instead of some random ass-hole who cheats on you.

It takes a real man like me to be kind, respectable, and understanding towards a woman.

No real man in this world ever hit a girl, if this sort of thing attracts you then you are obviously not mature enough to handle serious relationships.

Hell it takes a real man like me to stand up for a woman when they truly are in need of help. I would not tolerate a man hitting or punching a woman no matter what the circumstances.

And I consider myself a nice guy.

All bad boys are cowards and wimps who think only for themselves. If you truly seek a man that will be there for you then the best approach would be to go for the 'nice guy' types.

Bad boys are just cowards who hit women without the balls for a real fight.

Anonymous said...

The *bad boy* types are whimps,cowards,pussies etc.. I totally agree with the last person! What kinda man hits a woman? I wouldn't tolerare that either! *bad boy* what a joke..

Anonymous said...

I did the bad boy thing for years... nothing but heartache and tears. I've done the nice guy thing... he was so boring and corny I quickly started to resent him and be mean. Now I've met a most amazing man who is somewhere in the middle. He's kind, intelligent and trustworthy. Has morals like none other. But he's a big boy with strength and courage. Not afraid to work under a car, work on his property or crack open a statitics textbook. I think everyone, men and women the same, need someone that just fits them. Not too bad, not too good. Confident and intelligent. I'm a lucky girl. <3

The Other Charlie said...

I've learned alot from the posts here. Some were off the wall but more than I expected were level headed explanations. I now have confirmations of what things I've done wrong in my past relationships, in context to the nice guy vs. bad boy context that is. So I will now impart some pieces of my own grass roots wisdom. Being a mellow non-take charge guy is a sure ticket to dating Hannah Hand and her five sisters. That means that you don't have to beat her or be negative to be sexy to her but dispite trying to live up to the sensitive "Today's Man" image. Just plainly express what you want and expect from her and give her a chance to tell you what you will do for you. The important thing to remember that women like about bad boys(confident men) Don't back down until you get what you want! Let her worry about what she's not getting from you! Let her tell you what that is. When that time comes. If you do it right it'll be in sweaty cigarette and cuddle time. Embrace Your Inner Bad Boy and Stop Whining!

LINY Sweetie said...

Can a guy be TOO nice? What does that mean anyway?

I believe there is a happy medium of niceness. What I like to call “A nice guy with a TWIST.” A man that’s a total pushover is not attractive, IMHO. I enjoy a man who has something to offer. When you say a guy is too nice, is he really too nice or are there other traits that turn you away? Maybe he skips when he walks…maybe he’s too frugal. Maybe he lacks ambition, aspirations and goals.

If you think he’s too nice, there are most likely other things that are less appealing. In a recent case [with me], it was his extreme frugality. He was cheap as H-E-double hockey sticks.

Soooo...where are the nice guys with a TWIST? Raise your hand if you're out there!

Anonymous said...

I DON'T want to date a "bad boy." I don't want to date a wishy washy doormat, either. What's wrong with being a nice guy with inner strength? I'm still looking for him...

EyL├╝L said...

Oh cmon guys... its not about the guy being good or bad. its about the personality. the guy can be bad and super lame as well, and we can feel it. if a woman wants a bad boy it should not mean its about being treated like shit. but instead she wants to see something "challenging" and "fun". but that shouldnt always mean a mean guy. i personally truly despise bad guys.